Healing Relationship

Relationship can be like heaven; or like hell. Most everybody has experienced the upside of a good relationship. And, if you have not yet experienced the downside of a bad one, well, you are not yet complete or whole. Interestingly, the word 'health' and the word 'whole' both have the same Old English root, 'hal.' So, health and whole is the same thing. And, whole tends to mean complete, including opposites, such as the bad and the good in a relationship. One of the simplest approaches to healing relationship is to accept that there are going to be ups and downs and to experience the downs with as much relish as the ups. In fact, the downs can become a springboard for higher ups.

Like a physical illness or pain in the body, we tend not to think of the need for healing or remedies for relationship unless there are problems. Problems in a relationship are the springboards for becoming more whole, having more health in the relationship. However, just as some illness can be terminal, so some problems in a relationship can end in separation or divorce. Still, we attempt to heal our wounds, and we attempt to save our relationship, if we can.

The medicine used to heal a relationship is a) an understanding that one's partner often acts as a mirror reflecting one's own personal issues that need to be addressed and b) communication about such reflections. For example, if a husband is controlling and a wife passive and this is causing problems in the relationship, then the wife needs to view her issue to address as having to do with control, not passivity; and, the husband's issue has to do with passivity, not control. If the wife complains of the husband's controlling nature, the relationship becomes healing, becomes more whole, when she thinks also of that in reference to her passivity. He may not be controlling by nature, he may just be controlling when in relationship to her passivity. One exercise is to have the couple reverse roles in a theatrical style skit. In a role-playing scenario, she becomes controlling and he passive, and then dialogue about how that feels to each other. This can help each partner experience what the other might feel which can shed some insight and alter behaviors.

Because we all come to relationship with our own history, our own 'baggage,' and because relationships are like two people squeezing together, and which squeezing can then 'stuff' up, one can expect conflict to arise. Every arising of these kinds of conflicts is an opportunity to make the relationship more whole. However, it is critical that these issues are addressed as soon as possible. The worst thing to do is discount them, dismiss then, ignore them or hide them away. Small seemingly inconsequential conflicts can build up, year after year leading to a time when there is resentment, hostility, passive-aggressive behaviors and a general dislike of our partner. We seek somebody else and, if we do not know how to heal relationship, the same thing happens again.

Our model of relationship is formed during childhood as we observe adults, mostly our parents, interacting. Clearly, they were not perfect, as nobody is. So, you picked up all kinds of ways of relating. In addition, you may have reacted against what you were seeing in your parents and adopted different, maybe even opposite, ways of relating. When, as an adolescent or an adult, you meet someone and enter into a relationship, you both bring to the relationship these ways of interacting that you absorbed as a child. It is often said that when two people are together, there are actually six: you as you are perceived by the other, you as you are perceived by yourself, and you as you really are. Three of you. The same holds true for the other person as well. The goal of being in a genuine, authentic relationship is a challenge for anybody, because we each have our childhood conditioning.... We each have to deal with who we think we are and who others think we are in contrast to who we really are. And, expressing who we really are is often risky and difficult, for fear of rejection, ridicule, punishment, abandonment, neglect, abuse and, basically, being unaccepted and unloved. And yet, a healing relationship, a whole relationship, requires genuine authenticity.

Conflicts, hurts and woundedness in a relationship can be the springboard for healing and wholeness IF the couple is willing to accept that when the finger points to the other person, it also points to themselves. And, IF the couple can sit down together and dialogue about the role each plays in bringing about the problem, then the couple can also dialogue about the role each plays in bringing about the solution. To accomplish this one needs to be LUCID:

1) Listening- hear what is said, and what is not said

2) Understanding -feel what the other feels

3) Compromise -be flexible and adaptable

4) Integrity -honor and express your needs

5) Determination -care and commitment to desired goals

Ken Fields is a nationally certified licensed mental health counselor. With over 25 years in the mental health field, he has worked as as an individual and family therapist throughout school districts and within communities, a crisis intervention counselor, a clinical supervisor and an administrator in a human service agency. He has taught classes in meditation, visualization, goal setting, self-image psychology, anger and stress management, negotiation, mediation and communication, crisis intervention, and parenting. Mr. Fields specializes in Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Family Systems Therapy and Communication Coaching. As a practicing counseling psychologist, Mr. Fields brings decades of specialized training and applied skills to his work. He now provides quality online counseling and can be found at http://www.openmindcounseling.com