Relationship Tips - Simple Truths

There are some simple truths so basic that it seems impossible for them to remain so elusive to the general public.

One of those simple truths regards money. The key to having money, fiscal health and, in time, amassed wealth is - are you ready? - make more money than you spend. If you're not happy with your financial status then either earn more or spend less. Want financial security? Save. How much do you need? Name a number, pick a date you want it by and work backwards from there, including interest, and get started. It is simple math; if you can't figure interest, compounding and all of that, ask for help from a financial advisor or accountant.

The next simple truth is weight loss. If you want to lose weight the two key components to success are diet and exercise. If you eat a certain amount of calories you will maintain your current weight; eat a lesser amount and you'll lose weight. If you add exercise to your regimen you'll burn more calories so you can eat more or change the mix of calories and exercise and lose weight. Simple.

So why are so many books, CDs, seminars and magazines devoted to Money and Weight? If it's all so simple why do we need to spend billions of dollars being told what we already know?

Because simple isn't easy, that's why. And the same is true for relationships.

The simple truth about relationships is just as easy as the ones for money and weight loss. "Be OK with not being right, even when you are right". Take a moment to let that sink in. Please; it's important.

Consider this: have you ever tried to argue with a drunk? Ask someone when they are drunk if they are OK to drive or if they think they've had too much. They will answer that there's nothing wrong with them and, as their inhibitors have all been relaxed and their judgment literally impaired by chemicals, they might add that they have 'never been better'. Try to continue the conversation and you'll see they are just incapable of 'sobering up'; it's not a mental process, it's as a chemical and physical state.

Or try having a conversation with someone who is angry or scared. Depending on the extremity of the situation they are in a biologically programmed 'fight or flight' mode and can't reason correctly. This is why it is policy in many cities that police officers involved in a car chase are not allowed to leave their car at the end of the chase and must wait for back up. Having been in the perilous situation of a car chase, they are in an altered state of mind and not capable of the caution and neutrality needed to handle the situation (for more on this see Malcolm Gladwell's 2005 book, Blink).

In even the healthiest relationship there is bound to be arguing and when it happens you have two people who are, in a sense, of diminished capacity because both of them are addicted to being right. You're not addicted to being right? OK, I guess you're right. (Think about it...).

In the case of the drunk or the angry or sad person, or at the end of a car chase, what happens if the tactic you use is to apply the same energy back at the other person: two drunks, two yelling or crying people, two adrenaline junkies flying towards each other across space... It is a recipe for disaster and someone, if not both, will wind up hurting in some form and nothing will be resolved.

In a relationship, when nothing is resolved, the next step is detente and that starts with'd' and so does 'divorce'; if not married, it leads to breakup. The problem with divorce or break up is, of course, that about 95% of people go out, find someone else and then recreate the situation again and again. If only along the way they'd learned the simple truth: be OK with not being right even when you're right.

Now it's absolutely true that giving up being right, especially when you KNOW you're right (how often does that happen?!) is against everything we've ever learned. It has a precedent in the New Testament with 'if someone slaps you, turn the other cheek' and that all sounds good on parchment paper or in a holy sanctuary, but in real life?

The idea presented here isn't about asking you to become a victim or a punching bag. It's not just a rhetorical device either as in just saying 'You're right' without meaning it or in an annoying 'I know you are by what am I tone of voice'. Employing this idea is using a high powered tool that will save a relationship and empower the person wielding the tool.

Now you might still be reacting and resisting because of a million reasons including the next highest on the list, "But I always give in. Why do I always have to be the 'better person'?' and while that may be true, it doesn't pack any punch in the world of becoming a master of relationships.

Allowing yourself to 'not be right', even when you are right, gives you the chance to say, 'OK, I love you and I'll listen to you.' Sometimes 'being heard' is all your partner wants from you and is enough to diffuse even the most highly charged of situations.

On those rare occasions when you are NOT right, even when you knew/thought you were, you'll actually get to learn something too. Double benefit.

Now if you both agree not to be right, even when you are right, then what kind of a world would that produce? Actually a world of masterful communications, openness, communication and clarity but - OK who would want something as crazy as that?

Take the challenge; try this tool out and see what changes for you. But remember, as in money, weight and any of the 'big ticket' items in life we'd like to master, simple is not always easy; in fact it rarely is.

But is it worth it? You'll see for yourself.

James M. Lynch invites you to visit http://www.doityourselflifecoach.com and take a free e-course on LOVE and Relationships.