How do we reconcile the ideal characters portrayed in romance fiction with the realities of daily life? Most of us know we don't meet those heroic standards of physical and mental health so compelling in idealized fiction. But we also know we deserve satisfying relationships. We want excitement and understanding, along with passion, safety, and warmth. Romance fiction reminds us of these. With a shift in point of view, romance writing alerts us of opportunities to be what the other needs. The trick is learning how. Romances give us examples, but they don't give us method.
As a young woman I knew I was too neurotic to win a man I wanted--strong, gentle, courageous, able, and (above all) one who would see and honor the best in me. I thought, "I have so much love to give." It seemed a shame to waste me. And I felt I could come up to standard within a good man's loving regard. Trouble is, who is going to start? Who is going to get it together first?
Here are some steps you can use to create your ideal relationship. You can do this from your side without consulting your mate, or you can work together.
Flex your mental muscles. You can even do this with physical motions. I used to pretend I was an amazon woman using a sword against all comers. I'd take the posture and, right away, feel my personal strength come on stronger.
Become the best you can be. Be ethical. Keep your promises. Find, in or outside of you cultural tradition, a set of precepts you can live by. Adjust old ones to meet your sense of truth. For example, one of my personal precepts is, Honor your spouse, your parents and your children.
Hold your mate in high regard no matter what. Acknowledge your mate's best qualities. For example, suppose he says, "You talked too much at the party." You take note of how you feel but you do not react badly. You say, "Thank you for wanting to help me. Hmm. If we talked more here at home, I think I wouldn't feel so needy at parties. Is there a time when you would be willing to listen to my concerns?" (Word your response to make him feel good and to get his support.)
Communicate. Whatever goes on, share your take on it-in a way the other can hear without upset.
Avoid repeating the words and actions that get you in trouble. Refrain from dramatizing your negative feelings. It's okay to talk about negative feelings. Most mates can listen if you explain that's all you need. Just don't aim those feelings at your mate. They wound like bullets. Still, and here's where it gets heroic, when your mate dramatizes and wounds you, hold up your hand, draw a line and insist-without getting pulled down.
I know it's not easy to be first to become heroic. But when your mate realizes there is safety and excitement possible, he may join in and create some for you right back.
One of my friends advised single women not to envy a married woman the man she has polished, but to find a man in need and polish him up. Good advice. It's amazing how much a man or woman can shine with good tending. (In some cases no amount of polishing does it. That's when you bail out-with thought for any children and length of relationship.) The basic question is how each of us is to become whole in a degrading society. Romance writers remind us of how good it can be. Let's not lose that.
Article by Patricia Lapidus, author of the memoir SWEET POTATO SUPPERS: A Yankee Woman Finds Salvation in a Hippie Village. Patricia is a writer, editor, teacher, and an encourager. Other books include SWAMP WALKING WOMAN, a mythic fairy tale about women's strength, and GIDEON'S RIVER, a novel dedicated to all who live with a temper, their own or someone else's. Note: SWEET POTATO SUPPERS is due out soon in a second edition. This memoir is for those interested in communities, in spiritual hippies, and in the personal journey of discovery.
See http://tinyurl.com/pj73ns/
http://patricialapidus.com/gideonsriver
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