On Doing Only Your Half in Romantic Relationships

Recently, someone asked me, "How does someone do only 'their half' in a relationship and leave the rest to their partner?" They then went on to say, "I know it sounds like a stupid question but sometimes, it's hard to know. Especially when I feel at times like I am trying to coax a wounded animal out from under a porch."

My answer? I know you already know this but I'll say it to you anyway. There are no stupid questions. So please let that one go. Please.

Now start with this. If you are attracted to folks who resemble "abused animals hiding under a porch," then you may have some major rethinking to do as to who you are attracted to. Starting with asking yourself why you feel you must be the one to regain their trust.

What would this imply about you? That you have a major block in and around that people are supposed to want to earn your trust as well. Not after you earn theirs. Simultaneously. With you. This, in fact, is one of the most important parts of every relationship, romantic and otherwise. The simultaneous process of earning each other's trust. In fact, you and I are doing this very thing right now.

Of course, there are exceptions, such as when you are parenting young children. Your own and other peoples.' Also, during the course of every major relationship, we each get faced with times wherein we must temporarily be the "go first" person in the trust department. For instance, say your are with someone who gets diagnosed with a major illness. Say, cancer. For a time, you would have to be the "go first" person with regard to earning trust. To do this in those times would simply be an act of healthy love.

Problems arise though when you treat people in everyday life events as if they are currently experiencing a major health crisis and thus, are entitled to special privileges. Major health crises are temporary conditions. Childhood mental health problems are not, major or otherwise.

Thus, if you are compensating for someone's childhood mental health problems in other than a temporary way, then you are enabling them, and you, to avoid having to heal your birth - separation moment anxiety. Translation. You will, forever, feel trapped by the "fear of being left." Which is not the same thing as the "fear of being alone."

Most folks, in fact, do not actually fear "being alone." They mistakenly believe this though, in part, because the mental health community has been ratcheting these kinds of ideas into our brains for decades now. And yes, some few folks do fear being alone. But this is much less common than being afraid of being left, as in, reliving one's birth separation-moment anxiety.

As for your question about doing only your half, this idea should be the baseline from which you vary on occasion. In other words, doing more than your half should be the exception, not the rule. Anything other than this and you are definitely regressing to an earlier time. And to an earlier relationship. Usually with the parent with whom you have the most unfinished business.

With warm regards,

Steven Paglierani is a writer, teacher, personality theorist, and therapist whose work on learning and human consciousness is read weekly by thousands all over the world. He is the author of Emergence Personality Theory, and his mission is to make the world better for children by restoring and deepening their love of learning.

He can be read or reached at his site, http://theEmergenceSite.com