The Relationship You Are Searching For

Relationship expert John Gottman shares, "Successful couples are those who are in touch with each other's emotional and psychological worlds." Indeed, a relationship can be no healthier than the emotional health of the weakest partner. Unless both parties strive for psychological maturity in themselves while seeking to enter into their partner's world, challenges will amass.

Many people think that time apart is the answer, thus separation is often the means couple's seek to bring healing to their relationship. However, this is a method that is built on sinking sand. Indeed, 80% of marriages that enter into a separation end in divorce.

Rather than avoiding intimacy, couples need to pull together to more deeply appreciate the makeup of their partner. One of the most destructive things to a marriage is unrealistic expectations. When two people enter into a committed relationship with the idea that love is all they need, or that their future spouse will change, they are dooming the marriage before it starts. Taking time to get to know the person you are marrying is essential, and once the rings are exchanged this needs to be an ongoing process.

When you understand your partner's needs and how to meet them at the deepest level, you will find your passion reignited. Two things to keep in mind: you can't treat what you don't see, and hurt people hurt people.

By failing to properly see areas of hurt and places in need of repair, the problems only grow. Left untreated, hurting couples continue hurting one another until one of two things happens, they divorce or they detach.

While some 50% of marriages end in divorce, countless others are simply void of passion. By looking at couples in this state you would never know there is a problem, because they don't fight. The reality is they gave up the fight long ago, and settled for a relationship without feeling. Couples in this scenario drift away from one another until they repeat the common refrain, "I just don't know you anymore."

Most couples find themselves in counseling after they have hit rock bottom, which is one of the reasons marriage counseling is often unsuccessful. Sadly, this becomes ammunition for the couple's intent to separate, falsely believing they gave it a try and that it just can't be fixed.

Let me share two new beliefs that can help in times of crisis or during the drifting that so easily overtakes us in a busy world. Practicing these principles can dramatically improve the health of your connection.

The first is from John Gottman, who says that after years of research he uncovered a clear correlation between positive and negative interactions in the healthiest marriages he observed. The ratio is 5:1 positives to negatives. In short, it takes five positive moments to overcome one negative moment. Many couples have been horse trading for so long, just aiming for 50-50, they have lost the intimate understanding of what it means to give to another without asking for anything in return. The Bible says, "The greatest of these is love." Practicing love that is not seeking anything in return is the height of maturity, and the perfect ingredient for a happy marriage.

The second tool is from Tim Clinton who stresses the daily walk where you realize that if you can live well for one day, then you can make it for two, then three or more. With a belief that what you did in one moment you can accomplish once again, your actions will begin to change and your relationship will as well.

A former pastor, Tobin holds both a B.A. and an M.A. in theology. Having traveled widely in the Marine Corps and as a graduate student, Tobin has spent the past 15 years gathering some of the world's most powerful life-changing truths. He's the author of The Life That Is Really Life: How Biblical Truth Can Transform Your Spiritual, Emotional, Physical and Relational Health, available to http://www.twominutesermon.com.