Relationships are complex and can be so unforgiving. So many outside factors affect the way we feel about our self: aging, health, finances, career, friendships, family, loss, our physical appearance, whether we are living our dreams, or if there is some unrequited love or unfulfilled dreams and goals. Then there is the fear of aging and of dying. For many men, the loss of income, lessened sexual capability, retirement, and the sense of no longer being productive can weigh heavily upon them.
Lately, I have been discovering a problem, that affects many people, especially some men, when they reach their mid-50's, 60's and older. Many men have habitually avoided facing their emotional problems by spending money, having sex with their current partner or wife, having affairs, drinking alcohol, taking drugs, gambling, or even escaping through work, sports or male friendships. The media portrays sexy, scantily clad young beautiful women - everywhere. Many men feel that they are being deprived if they don't have access to such women. And many men do have access to these women at least visually and verbally through internet pornography sites and phone call chats.
When men get older and they no longer have the sexual prowess or financial means to escape their problems - and - if they stopped drinking and stopped taking drugs and they no longer have their habitual escapes - they have to face their emotional problems that they have always avoided, stemming from early childhood. Many men are not willing to do that because it might invalidate the way they have lived their life for so many years. Even if they go for therapy, they may not fully let themselves reveal their inner truth.
So what happens in a relationship? One person, usually the man, has not faced some underlying problem: fear, insecurity, shame, self-doubt, loss of self-esteem, inadequacy - but he has always had a way to mask his fear by escaping into some habitual pattern or activity. And then that previous escape is not availalbe. So - he blames his partner or his wife. She seems to be the cause of everything. Instead of showing her the appreciation and tenderness she craves, he becomes increasingly distant and insensitive.
Many women have tolerated lot of stuff over the years. But they had many escapes - children, friendships, careers, shopping, decorating, interests, physical activities. In the younger years, the partner or husband may have been very sexually attracted to her, so he showed his love with sexual attention. If he earned good money, he also showed his love with money and maybe gifts and vacations.
But then, as they get older, he feels less sexual, he feels less attracted to her, she feels less sexual, she feels less attraction and less tolerance for him. And then the finances are tighter and maybe he has retired and he's home more. Also, as we get older, we realize that our lives are finite. Both men and women may be reevaluating their lives, thinking about what could have been and how they want the rest of their lives to be.
An existential dilemma often occurs - a questioning of one's purpose here on earth and whether or not one is fulfilling that purpose. And not everyone even realizes this is happening. They may just feel depressed, neglected, misunderstood, deprived, lonely, anxious, confused or sad.
Just to clarify a bit more, I was NOT generalizing to ALL men or ALL women over 50. I was making an observation that many men and women, as they get older, often in their 50's and 60's, IF THEY HAVE NOT FACED SOME EARLY CHILDHOOD ISSUES and have spent years finding ways to escape facing the issues - then, when they are older and those old familiar escapes no longer work, they can be difficult to be close to in a relationship. Many men and women, on the other hand, do grow and learn from life, relationships and experiences and become better at communicating over the years. And some never really ever had those kinds of problems.
But if the relationship is not broken, is not seen as a huge problem to either partner, then
there is no need to fix it. Even if the communication has never been great, if the relationship works and both people feel okay, then there's no need to stress about it.
And when the communication is a problem, sometimes just having other people to talk to or activities that you are passionate about, can keep you feeling okay. Not everyone wants to work so hard to improve years of poor communication. And not everyone wants to break up an imperfect relationship - because there may be many other benefits and a lifestyle that is okay. And - the grass is not always greener. Settling for the problems you already know can sometimes be much better than seeking a new relationship with a whole new set of unexpected problems.
If you truly love someone you want to help them "with the demons that haunt them," but that depends upon how skilled you might be and also how much their particular 'demons" trigger your own "demons" or insecurities. And, we often are attracted to partners who match our own issues, so it becomes difficult to help the other person. That's where counseling can sometimes help to sort through the interactions. But it does require both people to be involved.
For someone talented, skilled, or passionately involved with work, career, artistic endeavors, large scale trainings and seminars, or special projects, the work, the mission or the artistic expression might take precedence over attempting to deal with another person's problems. It would probably take a really secure, creative and artistic person to fit into such a dedicated person's lifestyle - and the partner may have to always remain in second place to other priorities.
Life is a precious gift. Relationships are also precious. Each of us has a huge effect upon our partner, even if they don't appear to be affected by us. This is where relationship counseling and life coaching can really make a difference. Self-renewal, self-acceptance, self-acknowledgement and compassion for our self and our partner can bring two distant, non-communicating people back together again.
Dr. Erica Goodstone has helped thousands of men, women, couples, and groups to develop greater awareness of the issues in their relationships and their lives, to overcome and alleviate stressors and discords, and revitalize their relationships and their own mind-body-spirit connection. Dr. Goodstone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Licensed Marriage Therapist and Board Certified Sex Therapist. Former professor of health and physical education for over two decades, Dr. Goodstone taught courses in health education and alternative approaches, stress management, yoga (including relaxation, breathing, meditation, guided imagery, chanting, hatha yoga postures, and yogic nutrition), as well as many different physical activity and dance courses. In addition, she has trained in various body therapy methods and somatic body psychotherapy (combining talk with touch). Her main methods are The Rubenfeld Synergy Method, Polarity Therapy, and Somatoemotional Release. Dr. Goodstone can be contacted through her web sites at http://www.DrEricaWellness.com and http://www.sexualreawakening.com
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