Relationships - The Most Lethal Cause of Stress(1)

National Statistics in Britain have reported that approximately one in six adults (excluding those in institutions) has some form of mental health problem, the most common being anxiety with depression caused by stress. Stress affects everyone to some degree, but severe stress is a feeling of being unable to cope and is a reaction to excessive demands and pressures made upon the individual. It is most likely to be maintained by a feeling of personal rejection, insignificance and worthlessness.

Stress is usually short, sporadic or intermittent, designed to sharpen up our capabilities in coping with life and to improve our resilience. In most cases we do just fine in reacting to it. However, it is when stress continues for long periods that trouble looms. Stress robs you of your good looks, your disposition, your health, your youthfulness, and can even take your life. It is particularly unpleasant and harmful when pressures build up or are prolonged indefinitely; when we are unable to control the demands placed upon us, when we are constantly anxious, and when support is not there when we need it. The Trades Union Congress actually attribute the causes of stress to: "Excessive work loads, long working hours, unrealistic targets, insecurity, fear of redundancy, harsh disciplinary regimes, lack of management appreciation, poor working conditions and low pay."

This acknowledgement has led to a welcome focus on reducing stress in the workplace. However, what has escaped everyone's notice is the lethal level of stress caused by simply moving between relationships, especially where the desire for a break is not mutual, or where one is stuck in a relationship which makes one or both parties feel impotent, unhappy or simply miserable. These situations occur on a regular basis, often taken for granted as a necessary part of life. But wherever stress is recurrent and overwhelming, it can become life-threatening and does affect our health, particularly in lowering individual resistance to fighting illnesses. If nothing is done to reduce such stress, we can be affected by a whole range of ailments, of which the short-term ones may include headaches, sleeping difficulties, irritability, depression, forgetfulness, lack of concentration, increased consumption of alcohol, aggression or social isolation. Long-term stress is likely to cause stomach pains, panic attacks, worsening of asthma, strokes, mental breakdown, heart attacks, family breakdown or suicide, among numerous other problems. Certainly not a subject to be taken lightly.

Routine Life Crises

The primary causes of stress have always been connected to routine life crises, such as family illness, death, moving house or divorce. But, with many relationships lasting only between six months and a year, most people can expect some additional resulting trauma on at least five to six occasions in their lifetime. These are problems which most people try to avoid without ever quite succeeding, because the mere notion of expecting relationships to fail ensures that they do, in a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. Stress from a break-up is thus the worst kind of stress because it contains personal rejection, momentary insecurity and loss of status/esteem for at least one party, not to mention the financial costs which may be attached. Yet it has been underestimated in its effects and overlooked by government provisions.

When we feel rejected, controlled or unappreciated, everything else in our lives pales into insignificance because we lose our sense of belonging, joy and worth. This affects whatever we do until we feel better. Bereavement of any kind and moving house might come top of the list of any stress-inducing activities, but being stuck in an unwanted relationship, which affects at least 20 per cent of couples, or being momentarily rejected by a partner, should go right to the top of that list because of the ongoing consequences they have for everyone involved.

In fact, an aggregate of key surveys conducted recently, both at home and abroad, has revealed the main causes of stress, based on the percentage of audience response to multiple life choices, and they accurately reflect current anxieties. The most popular causes, identified as a percentage from all the responses, are the following:

1. Conflicts with loved ones (58%)

2. Money problems (54%)

3. Job/home demands (42%)

4. Pace of modern life (39%)

5. Body weight (33%)

6. Lack of free time (29%)

7. Excessive noise (29%)

8. Crime in the community (25%)

9. Lack of sleep (23%)

10. Violence on TV or movies (22%)

11. Health problems (21%)

12. Body image (20%)

How many of these are affecting you now, and in what order? The more of these you have troubling you at any one time is the lesser the actual quality of your existence. If they haven't begun to do so yet, they will soon take their toll. Some resolution to them is essential.

ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah - http://www.myspace.com/elaineone and [http://www.elainesihera.co.uk]) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a consultant for Diversity Management, Personal Empowerment and Relationships. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on http://www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"