Everyone wonders about this most intimate of phenomenons. Are our friends having more sex than we do? Do any other couples have this problem where one partner has high desire, and the other one has little to none? There must be something really wrong with us! Everyone wants sex 24/7 don't they?
The answer to these most commonly asked questions are NO. Not really. More than 40 million Americans feel stuck in low-sex or no sex marriages. Research studies tell us that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men reported little to no sexual desire. Sometime in a marriage more than 50% of couples experience one or both partners with little to no sexual desire.
Desire problems are the most frequent complaint of couples entering sex therapy. They are also often the underlying and unspoken complaint of couples entering relationship therapy. Let's address the importance of first ruling out any physical or biological medical problems.
With this in mind, it is recommended to make an appointment with your general medical doctor, or get a referral from your Sex Therapist (Board certified Clinical Sexologist) to see a specialist such as, a urologist or gynecologist that specializes in hormone replacement therapies. Your therapist will recommend that the medical doctor run a hormonal profile along with a physical exam to rule out any other problems, such as medical disease or medications that could be affecting your libido or sexual desire.
In today's society relationship issues including, sexual anxieties, inhibitions, and problems are the norm. We're afraid of not doing it "right", like in movies and books. "Right" would be intercourse, with both parties craving each other all the time and having simultaneous orgasms every time they're intimate. In other words, "being all over each other 24 hours a day.
Wrong! Healthy sexuality means giving and receiving touch that is pleasurable. Sexuality and intimacy may include 1001 different modes of showing love and affection for one another. There is no 1 one "right way" of making love. The optimal experience would be that of being together, with no "editing" of the respective partner.
In other words, take your time, experiment, kiss, touch, and take time to build up the level of excitement with one another. If there is always an ultimate goal of an absolute outcome...surely one of you is likely to be disappointed.
Great sex and love- making is not goal oriented, but process oriented. (The journey, not the destination.) It allows both partners to enjoy pleasure. It varies. Sometimes one or both has an orgasm. Sometimes not. And that's ok. What's not OK is not caring about yours or your partner's needs.
There are many possible reasons for a discrepancy in desire between partners. The first is biological. As I mentioned in the statistics above, more than twice as many women than men have problems with sexual desire. This is because after the infatuation phase of the relationship, when hormones are running rampant, things settle down to natural biological rhythms. And biologically speaking, whoever has the most testosterone usually has the most desire.
However, that is not to say that this is absolutely gender specific. It is often the other way around, where a couple will present with issues of the male partner not being interested in sex (low desire) with symptoms of low libido, which can be precipitated by a chemical or physiological issue. (again it is important to visit with your medical doctor to rule out any biological/physical medical problems).
Other reasons relevant to both genders are performance anxiety, emotional pain in the relationship, coerced intimacy, sex used as a bartering tool, lack of time, lack of energy, and fear of intimacy to name a few. These can be helped with an understanding therapist.
A full and enjoyable relationship will include intimacy and a healthy sexual component. The pleasure and joy of intimate connection is as important to your life as the air you breathe. Research shows that individuals that are in coupled in marriage or relationship live healthier and longer lives than those that are in unhappy and unfulfilled relationships.
You deserve the most out of life with your partner! Being responsible for your own sexual health means becoming and educated consumer. Never take just one doctor or clinicians opinion without exploring all comprehensive health options.
Check with your local doctors for references or utilize the internet to find a specialist such as a clinical sexologist to help you sort through the psychological and physiological issues that may be preventing you from living the best life you can!
Dr. Arlene G. Krieger is well known in the South Florida community for the past 30 years for her philanthropic and community work. She is a licensed Marriage and Family therapist and Board Certified Clinical Sexologist working in the tri-county areas of Palm Beach, Miami-Dade county and Broward Counties. Dr. Krieger specializes in Relationship and Intimacy issues in her private practice in Boca Raton, Florida and can be reached via her website: http://www.BocaTherapy.com and http://www.AskDrArlene.com
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