Relationships are a hot topic. Turn on the television, surf the Net or walk into any bookstore and you'll be instantly overwhelmed with the latest news on who's dating who and how to find your very own Mr. Right. It's not coincidental that so much of our popular culture and dinner conversations revolve around relationships and sex.
We all need relationships in one way or another, and when they are handled well, we have the opportunity to enjoy life, have more passion, and feel secure. Unfortunately, people increasingly have less and less connection with each other. I often find, working as a health and lifestyle coach, that many of my clients feel alone. The Washington Post recently reported that a quarter of Americans say they have no one with whom they can discuss personal troubles, more than double the number who were similarly isolated in 1985.
What about you -- are you happy and feeling supported, or are you someone who has a more intimate relationship with Lifetime Television than you do with other people? Whatever your current situation, you have to decide if you are truly happy. If you're content with your relationships, congratulations. For those of you who aren't, the following steps will have you well on the way to creating fulfilling, long-lasting relationships, whether they be romantic or platonic.
10 Steps to Creating Great Relationships
Step 1: Accept your current situation
Wherever you are is OK. If you are single and sexual and loving it, great. If you prefer to be in a relationship, perfect. The first step towards change is to acknowledge your current situation, appreciate what you do have now, and then work toward having more of what you truly desire. You can't change the past; you can only create a more enjoyable future, starting now.
Step 2: Create a positive outlook
One of my clients recently told me, "All men suck." His outlook has definitely been limiting his dating potential. If you think, "I'll never find anybody," then you probably never will. Focusing on negatives will not give you the energy to make it happen. As often as you can, turn your focus to what's possible and trust that it will work out.
Step 3: Understand why you want a relationship
Are you genuinely interested in finding someone because you want to enjoy your life more? Or are you just feeling lonely and assume that when you meet someone your life will miraculously be better? A needy person is unattractive to others. You might as well put a sign on your head that says, "Date me, I'm lonely." Relationships are meant to complement and enhance your life. But if you're looking for someone else to fill empty holes within you, you're destined to end up disappointed (see step 7).
Step 4: Identify the qualities of your ideal partner
Do this exercise: Take out a blank sheet of paper. This may seem a bit like a grade-school exercise, but in my experience it really does work. List the must-have qualities of your ideal partner or friend. Write down anything you can think of, from physical and emotional features to interests, hobbies or even spiritual beliefs. Once you have this, you'll be able to tell more easily if someone you meet fits your profile. (P.S. You may not want to pull out the checklist during the date.) Also, you can't make someone be what you want him to be. Be realistic: You can't fit a square peg into a round hole.
Step 5: Build those qualities within yourself
Big secret -- like attracts like. If you want to attract a person with your list of must-haves, you need to build more of those qualities within yourself. What we give out comes back to us. If you want to find someone who's honest, it's important that you be more honest. How can you expect someone to give you what you aren't giving to yourself? Also, you can't be anyone but you. Oftentimes we try to be what we think the other person wants, so he will like us more. However, he meets the real you eventually, so you might as well be yourself the first time you meet. Self-esteem and confidence are attractive. If you aren't happy with you, no one else will be either.
Step 6: Create your action plan
Where would your ideal partner or new friend hang out? What are his or her hobbies and interests? Who do you know who may know him? You have to get out there and spend time in the places where you're more likely to meet your ideal companions. If you want people who are interested in the arts, you'd probably find them at a gallery opening or at the theatre. If you are into the outdoors, you may consider joining an LGBT outdoor group. Research events and groups in your area, get their activity calendars and make time each month, if not each week, to attend an event. Also, spend time with current friends; ask them to introduce you to people. Take action, and don't be afraid to say hello to a stranger. What's the worst that could happen?
Step 7: Take care of yourself
Every area of your life affects the others. Your relationships affect your health and happiness; your diet affects your energy level and mood; exercise improves your self-esteem. In my private practice, I support people to improve all areas of their life. Your body and emotions are interconnected. If you eat well and take care of yourself mentally and physically, you have more energy and confidence to get out there and date. If you sit at home each night, face buried in a pint of ice cream, you probably won't be as successful in your dating quest.
Step 8: Don't have expectations
The easiest way to be disappointed is to build up expectations when you meet someone, or project the future before you even know him. Trust the process and go with the flow, relationships take time. You can't pack up the car and move in on the first date.
Step 9: Learn from the past
Someone once told me a definition for the word "insanity" is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. You have to reflect on what is and isn't working, both currently and in your past relationships. There really are no such things as "mistakes"; they are merely opportunities to do even better the next time around. So learn from them, and make different choices in the future.
Step 10: Get support
Share with your friends, talk about your goals, vent about your concerns. Take a class, work with a coach, keep learning and improving. We are all in this together. As one of my mentors once said, "My happiness is your happiness and your happiness is my happiness." We all deserve to be happy.
Robert Notter is a board-certified health and lifestyle coach. Based in New York City, he works with clients all over the world in person and by phone. His practice is focused on helping gay men reduce their stress, have more energy, create happier relationships, and feel better in their bodies.
You can learn more about his work, including private consultations and free monthly tele-seminars, on his website: http://www.MenSeekingMore.com
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