Behind the Scenes - The Reality of a Relationship

"Tell me something bad," my client whined.

"I love reading your newsletters and reading about your fabulous life and seeing how happy you are with your husband. But sometimes I really don't want to hear about it! Especially when I'm having so much difficulty. So tell me something that's not working in your life!"

Wow. As the Dating Director, I want to keep a positive attitude about love and life. And it's easier and more fun to write about good things. Especially when life is full of good things.

It's true. I've been blessed. I have good friends, good health, good surroundings and the love of a good man. Who could ask for anything more? :)

You could say I'm one of the lucky ones.

And believe me I am lucky when it comes to family and friends.

But getting into a romantic relationship...that's where Luck had nothing to do with it.

I worked hard. I dated a lot of men. I had to learn what to do, what to say and how to be as a woman. I had to learn how to express myself in a way that made me feel better about who I am in a relationship. And I had to learn how to negotiate and communicate in a rational way so I could be heard and understood by a man.

It wasn't easy. It's taken years. And I'm still learning.

But it's working. I have an eight year relationship to show for it. (Neither Lorenzo nor I had been in a relationship that lasted past a year and a half before.)

So it's definitely been worth it.

But make no mistake. Getting into a relationship is where the real work begins! You think you know what you want and then you somehow get it. And then you panic and think...what do I do with it now?

Relationships are Major Skill Builders and Major Tests. About who you are. About who he is. About who you are together. About choices you make. About commitment. And about fear.

So today I'm sharing with you three realities from my relationship (and I don't think I'm alone. :))

1. Expect Conflict

Because you're gonna have it. In fact, you can mark your calendar because usually the bomb goes off about every two months. Every sixty days it's like a BIG pimple pops. Things build up and it just blows.

I don't know ANYONE in a relationship (a good one anyway) that doesn't deal with some kind of conflict or major obstacle of some sort. NO ONE.

Everybody's got their stuff.

It could be an ex. Or children. Or a meddling in-law. Or a health issue. Or finances. Or________(fill in the blank).

Conflict is part of Relationship.

It's how you DEAL with conflict that determines if you'll stay with your partner or not.

Now the good news: Conflict Builds Intimacy.

So don't fight with anyone you don't want to build with.

And remember...making up can be fun!

2. The Perfect Mate (or Situation) Doesn't Exist

Like buying a new house and then discovering it has leaks and mold, your dream man isn't perfect. And, lest I say, neither are you.

There are days when you will look at your husband (and he will look at you :)) and you both will think, "Why in the "$#)@* did I marry this jerk?" (Oh, yes. You will, too.)

My husband, Lorenzo, has these annoying little habits...like dumping sugar on the counter when he makes coffee and leaving it there. Or not sealing the zip lock bag together properly so food spoils. Or Arrrrgggghhh! Leaving all that nasty shaving cream mess in the bathroom sink.

You might be thinking, "Cherry, those things are so petty. That's not important in a relationship. You can learn to live with that."

And you're right.

I do.

But every now and then (at least every two months), those petty annoyances just add up and I blow!

That's when I scold him and tell him what to do.

And that's when he calls me BIG MAN.

'Cause I'm acting like BIG MAMA.

As skilled as I am in the art of femininity, there are times when IT'S REALLY HARD FOR ME TO BE THE GIRL! (Especially when I think I'm smarter, I can do it better and at least 10 times faster! :))

3. Beware of Yourself

Personally, I believe the reason we're in relationship is to heal parts of ourselves. My husband teaches me more about myself than I (really) want to know!

It's easy when everything's fine to keep a big smile.

But then the lights go out. (They do.) And trouble hits. (It does.) And you're tested. (You are.) And you see parts of yourself that you've never known. (Or want to know).

That's when a relationship is not so pretty. Or nice.

That's when it's dark. And scary. Because behind the scenes are where you see the dark side of yourself.

He exposes your greatest fears. He plays on your insecurities. He knows you behind your mask.

There's no place to go and hide. Your partner sees everything.

And It's hard. It's hard to watch yourself and who you can become when you're angry at someone you love.

It just feels bad. It sucks.

And there's more at stake being in a marriage. (More paperwork and furniture.)

So all I know to do is to strap myself in and go through it. Get through it the best I can.

And grow. And learn. And share.

And so far, it's been worth it.

Many times we "blow" a relationship because we don't know how to ask for what we want.

For more articles by the Dating Director go to:Love Life & Looking Good Article Blog.

Cherry Norris is a renowned celebrity dating coach, workshop director and popular speaker. Based in Los Angeles, California, Cherry is an official dating coach for Cupid's Coach matchmaking service and the relationship expert on Catherine Oxenberg's TV pilot, Practical Princess. Cherry has lead workshops around the US and on cruises to Mexico and Alaska. She has been featured in The LA Times, The Hollywood Reporter, Divine Caroline, and Women's World.

Cherry's passion is helping people build healthy, intimate romantic relationships. Under her direction, you will learn the skills and techniques for dating that will have you starring in the role of a lifetime opposite the co-star you've been waiting for!

For FREE Dating Directions newsletter and event calendar, GO HERE: Dating Directions Newsletter.

To Save My Relationship - A Universal Reality And My Health

What Is The Most Meaningful And Vital Thing In Life?

When I really think about it, there can only be one answer: my friends, my family, in a word, relationship. Babies die when they are not touched. Depression badgers the elderly who rarely get human contact. The essence of life itself exists in the matrix of relationship. This is pretty heavy stuff. It would seem that my health is connected to relationship, indeed, to save my relationship is to save my life.

Why Are Relationships So Crucial For Life?

Although this may be a hard question to answer specifically, the broad answer has to be that it is because the universe is a relational realm. If I and the entire world around me underscore the importance of relationship-from the give and take of human love to the cycles of the planets to the ebb and flow of the waves on the beach-then the question begs: am I and all I see an anomaly? And the logical answer has to be no.

It would seem that I live in a relational universe. My origin is more personal than primeval ooze. And the universal power is closer than a distant, formless life force that I can never know.

What Does This Mean For Me?

It means to be healthy in life-to mirror the workings of ultimate reality-I need to attach more importance than I often do to my relationships. My relationships are my life, whether they are my relationship with the world around me, my relationship with my brother, or my relationship with the god of the cosmos. To save my relationship is to save my health and my life.

How Do I Do This?

If the universe is relational and those bonds are the stuff of life, then to live I must pay attention. So the best way to improve my relationship is first to be mindful of it. Just like with exercise and eating better, this focus alone will help me to move in the right direction. I will slowly become less self-centered and learn to reach out just by making it a priority in my thinking.

As I save my relationship by giving it more value, I will be happier and have better health. One by one, as I breathe life into each relationship, my joy and health will compounded like interest in a bank account and my life will take a turn for the better as I come into sync with the universe.

Healing therapies have been the author's long-time passion. Sickness is not our legacy. The most powerful healing is simple and affordable. Brent lives near Portland, Oregon and is a massage therapist that enjoys writing and outdoor sports.