Boundaries - The Tripod Model of Health and Wellness

The old real estate cliche asks the question, "What are three most important elements of property?" which is, of course, answered by, "Location, location and location."

...So, let me ask you a question: What are the three most important elements of successful relationships?....Answer: Boundaries, boundaries, and boundaries.

And that would mean first of all, the "internal" boundaries that you have with yourself, as well as the proactive boundaries of assertive behavior that you have with others, and the reactive limit-setting boundaries that you also have with others. Let's take a closer look...

Boundaries with Yourself - These boundaries will give you a more balanced life. One very common tool to use to evaluate your balance in life is the Whole Life Wheel.

Draw a circle about 6 or 7 inches in diameter with another circle about 2 inches in diameter in the center of it. Then draw eight lines, as evenly divided as possible, from the edge of the inner circle to the outer. You should have what looks like a wheel with spokes. Between each of the spokes write in one the most important areas of your life (i.e.: Physical, spiritual, social, vocational, physical environments, personal growth, recreational, etc.). In the center write what you believe your life purpose is.

When you live according to your purpose, everything revolves around that; meaning that your purpose is expressed in all arenas of your life. You can use the wheel as a way to inventory your life and set boundaries with yourself if you find certain areas that come up unsatisfactory. Simply reset your goals and do some re-prioritizing to get the balance that you desire.

Remember, however, that balance is seldom ever perfected, but rather, an ongoing re-adjustment. If you find that you are giving up your balance due to a relationship, you may want to re-evaluate the relationship and your behavior. That is often an early warning sign of some oncoming dysfunction.

Proactive Boundaries - When you make a request, or express a need or want, you are being proactive with your boundaries. In other words, you are not waiting to react, but instead, you are being forthright in stating and choosing what it is that you want and desire in your life. This all comes from knowing your values and living according to your integrity. Being assertive means not only saying "No" to what you don't want (reactive boundaries), but more so, saying what you do want proactively. Want the aisle seat? Then ask for it. Want a booth instead of a table? Then ask for it. Want less ice, or no ice? Then ask for it. I think you get the idea, right? Know who you are (your purpose and values); and know what you want (your goals and desires); then go for it (and stay focused) with assertive, proactive boundaries.

Reactive Boundaries - When someone does something that is intrusive, inappropriate, or abusive towards you, it is your responsibility (the "ability to respond") to set an appropriate boundary to protect yourself. This may simply mean leaving the situation or distancing yourself from it; letting the person know what happened and what you want differently; and/or just simply letting them know that the behavior is unacceptable. Avoid explaining or complaining, and just state what was done and what you want, or remove yourself from the situation.

One common issue I hear from people is how their work environments have people with negative energy and/or inappropriate behavior. Because it is their work, they often feel as if they can do nothing about it. I disagree, totally. You always have at least three choices:

You can ask to get promoted, transferred, or you can leave your job.
You can learn and implement a multitude of assertive people-management skills and tactics to create boundaries and protect your energy.
You can put your focus elsewhere. Creative visualization and other positive stimuli can offset some degree of toxic or unhealthy elements (people) in your environment.

The minute you believe that you have no other choices, then the chances are that you will feel, and stay, stuck. Always see the options and choices that you DO have. In doing so you keep your power.

So what does this all have to do with a tripod? A tripod has three legs that can balance and carry a large load, as long as the legs are all stable. These three legs are the three boundary dynamics in your life: your internal boundaries with yourself, and both your proactive and reactive boundaries with others. Keep those in order and you will be able to enjoy a fulfilling and passionate life!

..and my hope for you is that you have a VERY fulfilling and passionate life!!

I provide mental health counseling, marriage counseling and relationship counseling to help professionals and their families eliminate stress, maximize success and create extraordinary relationships at home, at work and in the community. As a mental health counselor, marriage counselor and relationship counselor my number one goal is to help people as painlessly a possible complete the therapeutic process. I've been offering counseling, coaching, and educational programs since 1987. My programs are focused on empowering people to have more successful lives, businesses and relationships. You'll always find FREE Life and Relationship Success Special Reports at http://kendonaldson.com/. I'm also the author of Marry YourSelf First! Say "I DO" to a Life of Passion, Power, Purpose and Prosperity.

The Relationship Tripod

Your Life has one constant dynamic: Relationships. This is actually a threefold dynamic that includes your intrapersonal relationship with yourself; the interpersonal relationships with your friends, family, and/or romantic partner; and the spiritual relationship with your Higher Power. Therefore, improving your "relational intelligence" makes perfect sense.

This is "The Relationship Tripod" with each of the three tripod legs being represented by your relationship with yourself, your relationship with others, and your relationship with your Higher Power. The tripod works best at stabilizing whatever is on it (your Life, in this case) when all three legs are firm and solid. If one or more of the legs are weak, there is an excessive burden put on the remaining leg(s) and a loss of stability.

The goal is to balance and strengthen these three areas of your Life so you can withstand the challenges of Life in a conscious and proactive fashion. I invite you to deepen your relational intelligence and expand your relational awareness...all to create more powerful relationships in your life, and to have the most powerful and fulfilling Life that you possibly can.

Relationship With Yourself

Purpose - Are you living your Life on purpose, or just accidentally? Many people struggle with knowing their true purpose, and therefore settle for whatever comes into their lives. What is it that really turns you on? What do you feel the most passionate about? Take some time to explore this.

Balance - Having a gauge to evaluate your balance is helpful in reinforcing your purpose, and in maintaining your health and well-being. Think of your purpose as the hub of a wheel, and all the various areas of your Life rotate around it. This would include areas such as social, spiritual, family, recreational, creativity, work/vocation, financial, physical, personal growth/emotional and physical environments. What needs to take place in each area for you to sustain the highest level of balance?

Vision - Purpose and balance without vision is like having all your possessions packed up and being ready to move, but having no idea where you are going to. So, what does your future look like? Visualize what you want it to look like. Go back to your Whole Life Wheel, and include each area in your visualization. Spend some time with this every day, as the more you visualize what you want, the more clear it will become. Try to let go of the "inner critic", that part that always tries to shoot down new ideas. Allow yourself to go way out of your comfort zone with this. Another helpful activity is to create a Vision Map.

The point of these exercises help to create a "metaphysical vacuum" that will pull you towards all that you desire, while pulling all that you desire towards you. This is the Law of Attraction in action. Remember, Life is a journey, and like Columbus, sometimes you may end up not where you expected, but rather, where you need to be. The big challenge is to let go of outcomes, as these may change, and focus on keeping yourself on the journey.

Relationships With Others

The "AbSOULutes" - These are the relationship dynamics and personal characteristics of others that you have to have in order to feel satisfied. Without these, the relationship cannot exist. Trying make a relationship fulfilling without these requirements is like trying to make an apple pie without apples....try and try as you may, but it will never work. These are the "Deal-makers and deal-breakers" and have no room for negotiation, lest you sell yourself out and come up empty. There are what also feed your Soul, hence the absence of them leave you feeling empty and dissatisfied.

Boundaries - These are your personal "property lines". This is where another person's space ends and yours begins. When you know your requirements and what is not acceptable and what you have to have, it is easier to define your boundaries. Allowing others into this space when you don't want them there creates imbalance and often manifests itself as fatigue and/or emotional overwhelm. Setting boundaries is often just the beginning; maintaining them is the true challenge as others will often test you for your consistency.

Communication - Being able to speak directly, clearly, and assertively is only the beginning of creating healthy communication. Listening is actually the most powerful dynamic of communicating. Being able to have non-reactive responses through mirroring and empathizing creates the most powerful position as well as maintaining much more of your energy. Think of yourself as being a bull-fighter and your job is to invite the dialogue your way, but to not get "hit" by it. In being a powerful listener, you actually have more control by trying to control less...yes, less is more in this case.

Relationship With Your Higher Power

Communing - When and where do you feel the most connected and the most alive? Whether it is at the beach, in the mountains, while you are dancing or singing, at church, in prayer or in a meditative trance; these are the times, places and activities in which you are having a Higher Experience. When you allow yourself to be at these places and in these spaces, you allow yourself to have spiritual connection that is fulfilling and that also automatically adds balance to your Life. Giving yourself regular doses of spiritual activity, or better yet, going on a spiritual retreat will do wonders for your spiritual relationship.

Journaling - Writing to affirm yourself, to do healing work, or to do growth work, can all be methods to enhance your spiritual connection. Write a letter to yourself to remind you of all your greatness, your talents, and your gifts. This can be a wonderful way to assist in fulfilling your Highest potential...your God-given Greatness. Write to let go of old wounds, or a letter of forgiveness to let go of old resentment. Both of these will set you free to be more in the present. The more you are in the present, and fully conscious, the more available you are to receive spiritual connection.

Reading - There are thousands of books on spiritual practice, with more coming out every day. If you are unsure of your spiritual path, do some reading and pay attention to what resonates with your Soul...those are likely to be the pieces you have been looking for. If you know your spiritual path, stretch yourself and do some reading beyond where you are. If you've already read them all, then maybe it's time to pass on some of your knowledge and wisdom....start writing that book (and/or article) you've been thinking about!!

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So here's the challenge: Make all your relationships REALationships, meaning relationships that are packed full of REALness. Live a Life of REALationships. Whether it is with others, yourself, or your Higher Power, allow yourself to be whole, balanced and on your path to your Highest Good.

I provide mental health counseling, marriage counseling and relationship counseling to help professionals and their families eliminate stress, maximize success and create extraordinary relationships at home, at work and in the community. As a mental health counselor, marriage counselor and relationship counselor my number one goal is to help people as painlessly a possible complete the therapeutic process. I've been offering counseling, coaching, and educational programs since 1987. My programs are focused on empowering people to have more successful lives, businesses and relationships. You'll always find FREE Life and Relationship Success Special Reports at http://kendonaldson.com/. I'm also the author of Marry YourSelf First! Say "I DO" to a Life of Passion, Power, Purpose and Prosperity.