Rescue A Relationship: Dealing With An Abusive Relationship

In order to rescue a relationship from a difficult situation, it is most important to be positive and understand how to restore the love you shared with your partner.

Sadly all too often relationships involve abuse from one or other of the partners. Such a problem arises not only from physical abuse, although that is bad enough, but also from mental abuse at the hands of the person to whom you are the closest.

In such a case is it worth wanting to rescue a relationship like this?

Regrettably, unless the abusive partner is ready to be helped and change their behaviour, the answer is simply to leave. It is too common to hear a person stay loyal to a bullying partner with the reason 'I still love him/her' or 'I know I can change him/her.' Research tends to show however that such a situation gets worse and not better.

Indications Of An Abusive Relationship

Most people associate abuse with domestic violence, the most obvious type that is characterized by the use of physical violence and intimidation. The instances of this type of abuse are difficult to quantify, as by it's very nature it is a private matter and will often not be reported. What indications we have however tend to show the level of this type of abuse increasing.

Statistics in Britain show that during 2007 10% of men and 19% of women reported being the victim of physical abuse from a partner at least once since the age of sixteen. In some countries this figure may well be greater. Interestingly the problem exists across all socio-economic groups and indeed over both sexes. The problem is fairly widespread and more women suffer physical violence than men but the gap seems to be closing slightly.

Physical abuse is not the only aspect of abuse however. Emotional abuse is likely to be much more common and, while it is less obvious, it can be as damaging if not more so. Very often physical abuse is accompanied by a level of emotional abuse too.

Such mental or psychological abuse employs guilt, shame, fear or intimidation or a combination of these. Threats may be made against the partner or perhaps his or her friends and relations. Sadly this has the effect of minimizing the self-worth of the victim and creating a mood of helplessness and desperation.

Far too common too is a level of sexual violence when a partner is forced to have sex against his or her will. Once again this may involve both psychological and violent behaviour.

The signs you are in an abusive relationship are fairly clear. You will be treated badly by your partner, perhaps by being criticized constantly, being treated purely as a sex object, finding you are being checked upon, frequently being yelled at, experiencing excessive jealousy, you or your children being threatened, becoming deliberately isolated from family, friends and/or money, finding your property destroyed or stolen or even suffering your partner threatening suicide if you do not comply with his or her demands.

There seems little doubt that for a relationship to work there needs to be honest and open communication. This means you will know things are not right when you become afraid to broach certain subjects with your partner or simply live in fear or antagonizing him or her. You may even start to feel you deserve to be badly treated or that you cannot do anything right. You will find yourself doing everything to please your partner.

Should You Rescue A Relationship?

The abusing partner frequently refuses to admit he or she is trying to dominate you or will make excuses for their words or actions. It would nonetheless be worth in the first instance talking to your partner and explaining how you feel and the effect the abuse is having on you.

It is important to never rationalize or understand what he or she is doing. Often abusers were the victims of abuse when younger but will be more cold and calculating than you might suppose. They will abuse a partner out of earshot of any witnesses and strike at a part of the body where cuts and bruises will not be easily seen. It is always a mistake to believe they cannot help their behaviour: we all have a choice.

Be honest with yourself about your situation. Seek out help, as you never need to face the situation alone; more and more agencies are seeking to understand and deal with the problem and are ready to assist victims who approach them for help. Police forces for example are realizing how much domestic abuse can escalate into serious crime and will act quickly once such a situation has been identified.

Children are particularly vulnerable in an abuse situation. Their home is usually the centre of their universe and they are especially sensitive to any friction between their parents. A little while ago I was aware of an abusive relationship that had been going on for years where the father severely restricted the movements of the mother and regularly beat her. When things got particularly ugly the children would dash into the road outside in terror. The children are now grown up but still display the scars of the abuse in their behaviour.

It is possible for abusers to civilize their behaviour but sadly too many will never admit they have done anything wrong. If this letter situation exists, there is little a victim can do except leave the vicinity and go to a place unknown to his or her partner. A worrying statistic shows that 75% of women murdered by an abusive partner are killed after they have left the relationship so it is important for them to find some sort of protective environment and not to try to rescue a relationship.

Conclusion

Therapy is available for both parties in an abusive relationship but this does rely on their cooperation. There seems little doubt that the best action, certainly in the short-term, is for the partners to stay completely apart to improve the health and well-being of both of them.

The temptation is to rescue a relationship on every occasion but unfortunately there are times when it is better to protect yourself and your family. In those instances trying to rescue a relationship is the wrong thing to do.

Keith Braithwaite is a generally nosey and opinionated guy but his heart is in the right place. After nearly thirty years in the corporate world and twenty keenly observing direct selling, he is now following interests in self-development, internet marketing and historical studies and is fascinated by human nature and behaviour.

Keith now likes to help people rescue a relationship from his site http://RescueARelationship.com

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