Relationships: Attract at Your Common Level of Self-Love

Marty tells me in a phone session,"Susan is always criticizing me. How do I get her to stop?"

Fiona tells me in a phone session,"Jeff is often withdrawn. I feel so angry about this."

It's always easy to see what your partner is doing that you don't like, but it's generally very challenging to see your end of a dysfunctional relationship system. However, your end of the system is equal to your partner's end, as we attract people at our common level of woundedness or our common level of health.

What does this mean?

This means that the degree to which you emotionally abandon yourself - by judging yourself, ignoring your feelings, turning to addictions, and/or making others responsible for your feelings - is the same degree to which your partner is emotionally abandoning himself or herself.

The minute Marty tells me about Susan criticizing him, I know that Marty is likely criticizing himself and may also be giving himself up to her to try to have control over getting her approval. Each is controlling in their own way, but Marty is aware only of how Susan is trying to control him.

When Fiona tells me about Jeff's withdrawal, she is also telling me about her anger - two sides of their dysfunctional relationship system.

The problem is that Marty and Susan and Fiona and Jeff all got together wanting to get love, rather than knowing how to love themselves and share their love.

Do you really want to continue to do this in your life?

Attracting at Your Common Level of Emotional Health

Attracting at your common level of emotional health means that you have done the inner work necessary to heal your feelings of shame and insecurity. It means that you know how to fill yourself with love and share your love with others. It means that you have stopped abandoning yourself and have learned how to love yourself, which means that you take responsibility for your feelings, rather than making another responsible.

When you learn to value yourself and take responsibility for your feelings, you are no longer attracted to someone who emotionally abandons themselves. You are drawn to people who also value themselves and want to share love rather than get love. So you will no longer end up with someone who blames, withdraws, judges or sees themself as a victim. You will just not find this person attractive, as they are not at your common level of emotional health.

The Frequency of Attraction

The Law of Attraction states that "Like attracts like." This means that people with a low frequency - people who are insecure and self-abandoning - attract each other, while people with a high frequency - people who love and value themselves - also attract each other. People who are positive, open, secure, giving, caring and kind to themselves and others are not attracted to people who are closed, negative and needy of approval and attention.

While no one deliberately seeks out someone who is closed, negative and needy, if this is you, this is what you will attract into your life. If you want a loving relationship, then you need to do the work of learning how to take emotional responsibility. This means:

Learning to be present in your body rather than stuck in your mind avoiding your feelings
Being open to learning about what your feelings are telling you rather than protecting against them with various addictions and self-judgments
Learning to access a spiritual source of love, rather than expecting someone else to be your higher power
Learning to take loving action in your own behalf rather than expecting others to do this for you

Why not start today with learning how to love yourself rather than continue to abandon yourself?

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner BondingR process. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Building Relationships That Last - How to Attract Positive Relationships

As I have discussed, life can be like a puzzle, with the four corner pieces in place, the rest is easier to put together. This is a deeper look into the fourth corner, your relationship health. The first corner being your physical health, second is mental health and third is spiritual health.

We are designed to build relationships. Family can be used as an example of a relationship. Although, family is a relative term, it can be used to describe numerous kinds of relationships in your life.

There could be people you care about, and who you are in relationship with, that are not blood relatives. However, because of time spent together building and growing, you are a "family" of sorts. You may also have blood-relatives who have not spent time in your life and although you are related, they may not feel like family.

Family comes from a close nurturing relationship. There is a family you come from, and families you build. Many are lucky enough to have other groups that are considered "family" to nurture them. These kinds of non-traditional relationships are very valuable, but often overlooked.

Research has shown that people who engage in regular social interaction or who have close friendships live longer and are happier. What a surprise! That is what we were designed for. The result of nurturing friendships and family will result in fulfillment and satisfaction.

It is important to be open and sensitive to the needs of others. When feeling low or discouraged, you need only to look outside yourself and find someone else to lift up. Give, Give, Give! Your money, your talent, your time, your encouragement and your love. Whatever you give away in good will, you will receive more in return.

Do more than people ask of you. Look for ways you can be helpful and don't wait to be asked. Practice asking people about their life, their ideas and their family and listen, listen, listen. Make eye contact and put to memory what people tell you.

Focus only on the event you have at hand and decrease multitasking. Be aware of being too wired to technology. Sometimes it is valuable to turn off the cell phone or computer and engage fully in the task at hand.

Give your time to the things you believe in. Even when the tasks seem mundane, give your full attention to it. Consider that you will reap what you sow, when it comes to your attitude about this.

We are often unable to fix our own problems. But we can be used to help others fix theirs. In this way you fulfill the relationship circle. If you could always fix your own problems you would not need to lean on or build relationships with other people. Zig Zigler said, "You can have anything you want in life if you help enough other people get what they want."

This kind of thinking will help you develop depth of character. By doing so, your future will become more prosperous and fulfilling. During this process, be cautious not to dwell on the past or anticipate the future at the expense of the present.

You need to value the journey and see the rewards that come from building a strong foundation. Much of your direction is determined from your attitude. A good attitude is a product of good thinking. "Where the mind goes, the man follows."

Watch what you are thinking. Don't just think any thought that falls into your head. Use discipline to keep your mind positive and pure. Whether conscious or not, what you have on your mind will manifest itself in your words and actions.

Just as they say "garbage in, garbage out" it is also "goodness in, and goodness out". So what does this mean in regards to building your foundation of wellness? It means everything. Your attitude will affect the opportunities that will shape your future. Henry Ford said, "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you are right!"

Building a strong network of relationships is just one piece of the puzzle. Embrace each piece in your journey with enthusiasm and an outlook of optimism. Believe that when the four corner pieces are firmly in place, you will have created a healthy frame for a lifetime of wellness.

"Wellness Matters" Article Series by Lisa Schilling RN, CPT
Speaker, Writer, Wellness Coach & Consultant

Lisa Schilling is the author of "The Get REAL Guide to Health and Fitness-FIVE STEPS to Create Your Own Personal Wellness Plan" She is juggles life as a doting wife and the mother of three boys, who keep her feet firmly planted on the ground!

Lisa is a Registered Nurse, author and recovering pageant queen, who spreads hope with her Get REAL approach to wellness. She empowers women, caregivers and groups to unleash their fullest potential by helping them to see their true beauty and discover their REAL value.

She feels passionate about spreading this message of hope and acceptance to help others be PROactive about their health and not simply REactive. Lisa uses her enthusiasm to inspire people to value and appreciate who they are. She helps people build a bridge from where they are, to where they want to be.

As an outspoken advocate for wellness and prevention, her motto is: "See one, do one, teach one!" Visit Lisa's website http://www.getrealwellnesssolutions.com to claim your FREE Bonus Gifts!