How do we get more done in less time? This is good management.
Bob gets up in the morning and, after doing whatever it takes to keep himself healthy, goes to work. He travels from one place to another, or to the office, with great tenacity. Bob is busy, and you better know it. There's no time for mucking around. He has 300 emails a day to sort through and innumerable phone calls.
Meetings are back to back and tonight there is a dinner function for an out of town client. Then after his exercise program tomorrow morning (if he's not too hung over) Bob will be in the office by 7.30am for another meeting.
Bob complains "I love my job, and the pressure is the price I pay. I never stop traveling and last week I was home for just one day between flights" Bob has children, a wife and a nice home. Hard work is Bobs motto and he is doing everything he can to make a good home for himself and his family. He is also very ambitious, wanting to achieve high aims in the industry he is in.
Bob is not alone in his pursuit of excellence through hard work. He joins a high ranking echelon of executives who compete for the top jobs. His spirit and passion as a leader are infectious. He balances another whole community of individuals who hate their job, and as a consequence, their life. Peter is one such example.
Peter wakes in the morning and really doesn't look forward to going to work. As a consequence he loads his relationship with allot of pressure. He is what is called a taker. Because he's not inspired at work, he looks to be cared for at home. Peter comes home tired, everyone who doesn't like their job comes home tired. He is demoralized at work and blames the boss, the company, the industry and to some degree himself for not leaving. But the income is important, so he stays, "just for a while longer". Peter works hard when he's being watched but when the boss turns her back, he does his private work, emails and chats with others, just to keep himself amused. His main motive at work? Less done in more time. His mindset reflects that of the majority of employed people.
Andrea is single. She doesn't want to be single, but she is. Some of her friends are married, but they are totally not happy. Her single friends go out on the town some nights and she joins them. Some meet potential partners and have a fling but Andrea is a bit over the whole thing. She's secretly depressed that she has been so discriminating around men and now, when she should or could be having a family, she's not. Andrea has a nice job. She likes doing what she does but there is so much emotion around it, that it's hard for her to be inspired. She finds herself being very defensive of her work, she sometimes feels attacked, when in fact, people are just having an opinion. Andrea is the opposite to Peter, she puts a huge pressure on her work life because her relationship is non existent. All her self esteem is coming from her work.
Linda is a very emotional person. She has a boyfriend, but, well, he's nice and sexy and all but, well, there isn't the right spark. Linda has business aspirations as well. She is building her own business income and in most ways loves her work. Linda has been heart broken by relationships in the past. She is reluctant to get distracted from her purpose. However, Linda, deep, deep down is not happy. Love is missing from her life and she really doesn't want to dance on the surface like she currently is, with boyfriends.
All of these people have one thing in common. What do you think it is?
Are they all stupid?
Are they all unconscious?
Are they all destined for disaster?
Are they all egotistic?
Are they simply naïve?
My answer is that all of these people suffer from
The answer is:
Bad Management
o Bob thinks hard work is good work
o Peter thinks a relationship can withstand the pressure of a bad job.
o Andrea thinks her work can withstand the pressure of a non existent relationship.
o Linda has become self obsessed. She thinks she's a victim. She's angry and thinks she can build a happy life with that attitude to the past.
Hard work is bad management.
Hard work makes the ego feel nourished. The aspiration for hard work comes from the idea that we can prove our worth, by working hard. In other words this person doesn't believe they deserve things unless they suffer the strain of hard work.
Smart work, which is easy work (enjoyable and doesn't take long) can only be acceptable if a person really believes they are worthy of it Otherwise, easy is not of value. The person who cannot accept high returns from easy work will always sabotage what they have in order to make things harder.
Easy work does not lack intensity. That is a myth. Easy work is not sipping gin and tonics on a beach while making millions. That's fun, but eventually boring. Easy work is: IICCRR.
Interesting - Attracts a personal investment
Inspiring - Stimulates a sense of goodness
Challenging - Demands focus and skill development
Confronting - Causes a discomfort, a stretch to create
Rewarding - Financial and personal
Responsible - Has a sense of fulfilling a dream - a bigger picture for the individual.
Hard work in relationship is bad relationship management
Bad management is not limited to work. Bad management and the hard work that follows as a result can also be found in relationships. Some people get their self esteem from the hard work they put into relationships. Like Bob, who gets his self esteem from the notion of hard work, some people, like Andrea, think the harder they work in their relationship the better it is. Always trying to mend things, this person will sabotage any time where there is ease and tenderness. They must have drama in order to feel a sense of worth. They do not feel worthy of sweet, tender effortless love.
Good management in relationship is not only sexual. Good management in relationship extends all the way down to the hidden thoughts a person thinks. Good management in relationship is a cumulative thing. Everyday words add up to sentences, then paragraphs and eventually books. Many people think a bit of suffering in their relationship today will be paid back in the future. But this is really bad management.
Bad management in relationships extends all the way to the notion of not having one at all. How many times do you hear people say "I'd rather be single than in a relationship like that" basically they are revealing an aversion to conflict. Linda and Andrea both have an aversion to being challenged. This is egocentric behavior. A person who does not want to be challenged, confronted or disagreed with is actually building a fortress with their ego. They are, in the interest of being clever, dumb.
Good management in relationship causes ease in love. That doesn't mean sloth. Good management in business is the same as relationship.
1. Value each others time as precious. Don't waste it with TV, idle chat and inefficient time management. If you say "I will be home at 10.00", be home at 9.30. If you say you would like to go for dinner, treat it like a first date. Try to find something interesting to talk about other than your problems. List 200 thinks that you can both be thankful for at every meal. Go to dinner and play thank you's.
2. Delegate the small stuff. Housekeepers love keeping house, dog washers love washing dogs, gardeners love gardening. If you can't do it together with laughter, hand it to someone who can.
3. Live your vision. Make sure your partner has a vision, and if they ask, help them live their vision. Inspiration in love comes from linking personal dreams with bigger ones.
4. Don't take yourself too seriously, but take the contribution of what you do in the world seriously. Have a bigger purpose in life. Have a bigger reason for your love than sex, happiness and making babies. Think outside your family circle to the highest cause your family would love to affect and become invested. Not because they need you, but because as a couple, you need a purpose bigger than you.
5. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop doing, stop trying. Stop the clock. Turn off the kids, the TV, the hi fi, the yoga and just be with each other. Like in business, you have to break away from it, in order to manage it. In your relationship just go and sit under the moon, stop.
6. People become as you treat them. There are two sides to everything. So you can see your lover as either good or bad. A wise and in love person must see their lover as both. Then with both good and bad, choose to focus on, talk about, compliment, support and feed the positive. Nobody can beat up your partner more than they do for themselves. You don't even need to comment on the negative, they are doing it to themselves already. Nor is their a need to rescue them from their self destructive thinking. Simply focus your heart on the positive. And let the negatives take care of themselves.
7. Protect your love. In a business we manage the strategy to be sustainable and competitive. That means we protect the unique position of the business. All business are different, just as all relationships are different, they all have some uniqueness that must, at all cost, be protected. Friends, family, work, obligations must always be placed in lower priority to the relationship. Children are not as important as the relationship. You must also be aware of the negative affects of ex lovers on relationships. Sometimes this can suck the life out of a thriving dynamic. Not all associations are healthy to a new and budding flower.
8. Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate. When people first meet, they totally appreciate the fact that they have just met the love of their lives. They appreciate the other person. But often, especially men, once they have the love of the lady they pursue, they start taking it for granted. Two things result; First their partner starts to feel unappreciated (a really big turn off) and secondly their partner looses respect for anyone who doesn't appreciate them. So, men especially, act like your lady will leave you any day, if you don't show her how much you appreciate her because the truth of the matter is, that after 2 or 3 years of not feeling appreciated, any partner is going to have an affair, or leave, or start working hard. Remember, it takes one act of depreciation to counterbalance 100 acts of appreciation. What parallel can you draw from this for business - think customer.....
(footnote here; one of the greatest signs of lack of appreciation for another person is trying to help them change. Even if they ask for it, truly there is nothing to change, just something that deserves to be appreciated)
9. Love is cumulative. It is what you do everyday that matters. Birthdays and Christmas, and Valentines days are disasters because they cause people to delay thank you's to a "public day" - this is a disaster. We must be humble every day. Humble to the magnificence of the person we are with. We must avoid comparing who we are with to some idol whose other side we still don't know. WE must remember that everyone has every trait, and the person we are with is everything. Including a mirror of us. Love is cumulative and that is why emotionally unstable people have heart breaks and short term relationships. They can't accumulate, they fluctuate instead.
Be love and remember
Hard work is bad management
Chris Walker is a world leading change agent, an environmentalist and author of more than 20 books. Born and bred in Australia, he consults to people and organisations throughout the world on improved relationships, health and lifestyle through the application of the Universal laws of Nature. The result he offers is that we stay balanced, share loving relationships, work with passion, enjoy success, and live our personal truth. To learn more about Chris's work and journeys to Nepal, visit http://www.chriswalker.com.au
