Co-Parenting With A Former Spouse With Mental Illness

Perhaps you knew, when you said 'I do,'

That a bat or two lived in his belfry.

It's okay, it will go away,

Our love will calm the madness.

But years have gone by, and the bats still fly,

And now you're stuck trying to co-parent with a seriously mentally ill former spouse who was hard enough to deal with when you were married, not to mention the kids get really freaked out and you're about lose your own mind, thank you very much.

I might have to work on that last line a bit, but I think I'm getting the basic story told in that little poem. We marry with the best intentions, and when the person that we are marrying has a mental illness or personality disorder we often think that the stability of a good marriage and family will improve their condition. Often it does, and that is a testament to the healing powers of good love, and probably good mental health care as well.

Often enough, however, the symptoms of our partner's mental illness become unmanageable, or they refuse needed treatment, and the marriage breaks under the pressure. Then, if there are children, we are left with the task of trying to co-parent effectively with someone who has a significant illness or disorder. If this is your situation, or that of a loved one, you know how difficult this is and that there is no quick fix to the pain these situations cause.

There are, however, strategies that can improve the outcome and minimize harm for you and for your children. Educating yourself about the illness and equipping yourself with positive coping strategies will have the paradoxical effect of enabling you, and your children, to focus on the person behind the illness and to establish healthy boundaries to protect yourselves from the effects of problematic symptoms.

Here are four important strategies for helping yourself, and your children, deal with this situation.

1. Educate Yourselves and Your Children (age appropriately)

Now I say this with a degree of caution, because I am distinctly NOT talking about a mental illness that you diagnosed your former partner with! Even if you are a licensed mental health professional who is qualified to make those kinds of diagnoses, you are NOT the one to diagnose a loved one! What I AM talking about is a bona fide mental illness which has been diagnosed in your former partner by someone qualified to do so (this leaves out people like you, your mother, your bff, your new spouse, or Dear Abby).

So, given that we are talking about a mental illness or personality disorder that is real, you need to get yourself and your kids educated. Why? Because mental illnesses, just like any other medical condition, can have symptoms and complications that are important to know about when you are in a relationship with someone who has one. It is important to get over the stigma of mental illness and to view it as an illness much like diabetes or heart disease.

If your former partner had diabetes, you would want your children to be aware of how that might affect their other parent when they are with them, and what to do in case of an emergency, right? It is much the same with mental illness, which can cause changes in a person's mental status, ability to relate well, and ability to function on a day-to-day basis.

The best place to get education and support for yourselves and for your children is through a national organization called National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). Their website will provide you with information about a chapter in your area, and contains useful information and education regarding mental illness. There are support groups for those with mental illnesses, but especially for their family members. These groups offer very practical help with coping strategies and can be a tremendous support for you and your children.

Speaking of children, use age appropriate information (NAMI can help you determine this as well) in explaining this to your kids. Your five-year-old doesn't need to know the diagnostic criteria, treatment course, and prognosis for Bipolar Disorder, but it might help him or her to know that Daddy has a condition that can sometimes cause him to be a little more active than normal at times, and that your child didn't cause that behavior. Knowing about this on that level will help your child not to think that Daddy's strange behavior is because he/she was bad that day, and they will be able to talk to you more openly about how it affected them. It also allows you to assure them that Daddy is still Daddy.

2. Model For Your Children Strategies for Coping With Problematic Symptoms

Coping with a loved ones mental illness is one of the hardest things a family member can do. For most mental illnesses there are effective medical and psychological treatments that can shorten duration of illness, reduce or remove symptoms, and even provide a cure. Unfortunately there are also some illnesses and personality disorders that tend to endure throughout all or most of a person's life span.

Many mental illnesses can influence an individual's behavior and interactions in ways that are very difficult for loved ones to understand, especially children. A person with such illnesses can at times exhibit bizarre and uncharacteristic behaviors, can appear one way on a certain day and very different on the next, and can make statements or threats, such as suicide, that can be extremely frightening for children.

This is why educating yourself is so important, because you will be the person your children will look to for helping them to know how to cope, what to say, and when to ask for help from others. If they observe you keeping a calm head, using the information you have about the effects of the illness, and reaching out when you need help, they will learn to do the same.

3. Separate The Person From The Illness

It is vitally important to your children that their other parent's mental illness does not become their primary identity. Remember that your children are his/her children too, and if you are always referring to him/her by their illness it will become part of your kids identity as well. Their Mom or Dad is a person WITH Depression. They aren't Schizophrenic, they are a person WITH Schizophrenia. Allow your children to focus on their parent as Mom or Dad first and foremost. 'Nuff said.

4. Establish and Maintain Strong Boundaries

This is most important especially in the more severe cases of mental illness where there might be increased behavioral instability. If an individual is frequently making suicidal threats, you and your children need to have a plan to deal with that in a way that does not create chaos in your own home. If your former spouse makes a suicidal threat, call 911, give them their name and address and the statement you heard, and request a "Welfare Check." The police do this often enough and will take the responsibility from you to determine if this person is safe or not. If they are not safe, they will be taken to a hospital and provided help.

This is very important for you to hear. It is NOT your responsibility, or that of your children, to determine that person's safety. This is something that is done by mental health professionals, the police, and hospital emergency personnel. NOT YOU. If the threats are being made to your or your children frequently, you need to do this every single time they are made. If there is real danger, they need help. If they are being made to manipulate you, a few visits by the police will send the message that this tactic won't work.

During times when there are severe or troubling symptoms, reach out for help regarding whether your children should visit or not, but do so carefully. Remember that this person has an illness, and will at times have symptoms, but that your children still need to have a supported relationship with their other parent. If you can, talk to the other parent when he/she is doing well and stable, and make a plan for deciding together when and under what conditions visits might be rescheduled; for example, if they are too depressed to adequately care for the children.

If you aren't able to have these conversations, ask a mental health professional for guidance. It wouldn't be a bad idea to meet with a therapist once or twice to discuss your situation and ask them if you can call them when you have questions about visits. If you have a court appointed Parenting Coordinator or representative, call them for advice.

Once again, and at the risk of sounding like a NAMI commercial, go to their website and find out how they can help you and your children. This is a difficult situation but there is help and support available.

(c) 2011 Chris Lewis EdS, LPC. All rights reserved.

Chris Lewis has been a therapist specializing in Marriage and Family Therapy for 12 years. She has a Masters Degree in Professional Counseling and an advanced EdS Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy, both from the CACREP accredited College of New Jersey.

Chris approaches working with parents with understanding, compassion, and humor. Her engaging and non-threatening approach enables parents to focus on how they can parent cooperatively with their former partners and help ensure a positive adjustment for their children to their new family structure.

Relationship Commandment III - Make Dates With Your Spouse

No one will argue that life is a busy place. We get caught up in the everyday rat race of work, shuttling the kids here and there, chores, and well you get the point. As the responsibilities of life pile up, things get put on the back burner. Unfortunately, far too often it's our intimate relationship. We put our relationship at the bottom of the to-do list and wake up one day baffled that it's in disarray.

We often take the most important relationship in our adult life for granted. One reason this happens is that when we start out, the relationship appears to be good and when the relationship is good, we perceive that it doesn't need attention. Sadly, good things will turn bad if you don't maintain them and this can prove to be detrimental not only to your love relationship but to all relationships.

Your close love relationship is the relationship on which all other relationship rest. Think of it as the first story of your house and if the first floor is weak than all others are unstable. When the winds of turmoil rock the first floor, the others become shaky as well.

Let's contemplate this for a moment shall we. A stable loving marriage provides safety for all members, especially children. The most important thing you can provide your children is the feeling of safety. The irony is, it's the effort that goes into caring and providing for the children can lead to neglecting the primary relationship. This neglect leads to couples growing apart which result in fighting. Fighting leaves the people who you were trying to care for feeling unsafe.

The effect of marital discord on children is well documented. Feel free to do the research if you don't believe it. In a nutshell, marital discord can delay a child's emotional and intellectual development.

Strain on a love relationship can also affect you in a myriad of other ways. If your personal life is engulf in arguing, it will be increasingly difficult to perform at your peak level. This is due to our pesky brain. The brain focuses on problems in an attempt to find solutions. Because we are social creatures, strain on close emotional connections causes the brain to panic. We're just hardwired that way. It will use valuable brain real estate that could be better used for other task on looking for solutions.

As your brain searches for solutions your job will suffer. You will be unable to give you full attention to your work as you, at least in part, focused on the problems in your relationship. Your hobbies will suffer for the same reason. You will be unable to give full attention to other relationships like friends and family.

Don't panic though, the fix is easy. Put the maintenance of your relationship at the top of your to-do list. Make time for each other away from distractions. Get a baby sitter, turn off the electronics and spend time every week with each other. Make a commitment to a date night every week. Make a little time for each other every day.

It doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant. Drives in the car, a walk on the beach, a back massage are some good ideas. How look at old photos or recall fun times? Remember why and how much you love each other

It's not necessarily the quantity of time you send together but the quality.

For more about us check out our website at: http://www.contemplativecounseling.net
You can contact the author at kenburns@contemlativecounseling.net

Your Perspective of Your Spouse and Yourself Will Determine the Health of Sex in Your Marriage

You're married, you love each other, and you know sex is an important part in the health of your relationship. So, where do things stand, have you clearly identified what you both want and are you doing what you need to do to have it?

You have heard it before, regardless the truth stays the same...It's all in your head. Examine what's going on in your head to start the process of having the very best.

1. How do you feel about who you are sexually?

Feeling good about your sexual identity is paramount in what will happen in your relationship with your spouse. When you are secure with yourself, your desires, and your body, you are open to what you can give, receive, and experience together. You're too busy being in the moment when you have confidence and security to step into sex halting issues.

However, when you lack certainty about your sexual identity and your perception of yourself in general your thoughts will be preoccupied with low self-esteem, lack of confidence and insecurity, which when mixed with the stressors of life make for a disappointing, and empty sexual relationship.

Ex: When I have been preoccupied with poor body image my desire to be seen naked, as well as sexual interaction with my husband is overridden by my insecurity. My husband and I both lose in this situation and sex is filed away eliminating relationship bonding moments.

2. Are there any existing issues between you and your spouse that are standing in the way of you enjoying each other?

Women and Men (that's right I'm including Men) can be driven by their emotions and when things are not "right" in the relationship each gender can be distracted and led away from being in a frame of mind that precipitates a healthy, rewarding sexual experience.

Ex: When my husband and I have had a heated discussion, and I'm thinking we should have make-up sex he it not receptive and is does not happen.

Trust is a huge component when it comes to "feeling" as though one can be vulnerable with their spouse. Trust can be violated in many ways in marriage leaving someone withdrawn and feeling trapped. That person may desire a sexual relationship with their spouse, but their lack of trust may leave them feeling as though giving into that will be more hurtful to them than going without it.

3. What is going on with you physically that may be hindering who you are sexually?

Knowing what is going on with you physically is just a good idea in general. Since sex is so good for us physically as well as emotionally and psychologically shouldn't we have a solid idea of how our bodies are contributing to enjoyable sex or prohibiting it from happening?

Take note of what medication you are taking and the side effects on your body. I am a firm believer in doing whatever you can holistically to treat your body before you resort to any type of chemical treatment. Having said that, I realize medication is sometimes a necessity. Learn how your medication may be affecting you, and what you may be able to do about the side effects of it. Don't settle.

Also, be aware of how stress, and yes, age may have an impact on changing your hormones and how that affects your libido, emotions, self and relational perception.

Are you exercising regularly, and taking responsibility for your daily diet? A poor diet and sedentary lifestyle will sabotage who you are sexually and will ultimately affect what you and your spouse may be able to enjoy. Making healthy choices together adds so much to your general health, as well as the health and enhancement of your sexual relationship.

4. How do you and your spouse perceive sex in your relationship?

It's a shame that couples can fall into a rut with how they are handling the sexual part of their relationship, which is often times an indicator of how the relationship is in a rut in general. The problem is they may not recognize they have drifted into a lack luster pit with each other that only becomes more of a barrier as time passes unless they see it for what it is and do something about it.

The fact you that you are reading this means you are somewhat interested in making sure your relationship with your spouse is treated with the love and attention is must have to thrive.

Sex means different things to each of us, and it can become a wielded weapon for some in their marriage. Woe to the spouse, and or couple who use sex as a vehicle for position and power in the marriage. When sex is based on a punishment/reward system the marriage is in trouble.

Is sex an outward expression of your love for each other, your desire to please one another, a celebration of your marriage and union? Do you delight in the fruits of your spouse while simultaneously delighting in who you are sexually with them?

5. What things in your life are you allowing to get in the way or to provide an excuse for not having sex?

Yes, we all have busy, hectic lives and the multitude of things we need to get done in a day's time begin to pile up on us leaving us feeling overwhelmed, tired, and desperate for time without any demands or expectations.

Whether it's career, children, extended family, church, etc...That's demanding our time; we all must find balance in our lives in order to have genuine happiness and good health. It does not take long to get out of balance and start having a long list of negative thoughts which lead to negative feelings, and eventually destructive behavior.

When we are out of sorts in the marital relationship and life keeps coming at us regardless it may temporarily seem easier to use "life" as a means of escape from dealing with what is going on with our spouse and marriage. For example, you find yourself or your spouse saying, I'm too tired, I have a headache, I have to take care of the children, or I have to get this work done, etc...And this is more often than not, a strong indication that immediate action needs to occur. Something is out of balance and should be dealt with to protect the relationship and each spouse from going down a negative path that will lead to dysfunction and often hurtful, negative consequences.

6. How do you personally view sex?

Maybe this doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is. The belief system we developed as children can really get in the way when it comes to how we approach, and perceive ourselves and our spouse sexually.

I'm not going to go into all the many ways a faulty perception can sabotage the health of a sexual relationship, but I will say you need to really examine your beliefs. Whether they are spiritually manifested by parents, and or church, or maybe a previous negative experience with a partner, your conscious and sub-conscious beliefs will either propel you forward or constantly sabotage you if not addressed.

Many Christian-marriage books, as well as other well meaning literature regarding sex in marriage refers to the "man's" need for sex in marriage. If one does not use discernment when reading such literature faulty perceptions can be adapted.

If a women thinks that sex in her marriage is primarily about meeting her husband's needs then where is she to be with her own needs, desires, and beliefs about who she is sexually? If a man believes (and in his mind righteously believes) that sex in his marriage is about his wife meeting his sexual needs and nothing else that will probably lead to a one sided relationship that breeds resentment, hurt and frustration. This is merely an example of how distortion in beliefs may lead to problems.

This is in no way meant to disparage the wonderful Christian authors who have written excellent books to educate, and guide couples to healthier, happier marriages.

This is simply meant as a means to start the wheels spinning in your mind as to how you each personally view sex, and recognize any faulty perceptions that are hindering the health of your sexual relationship with your spouse.

This provides a great start to identifying where you and your spouse are sexually in your marriage, who you each are sexually, and what you want. Don't delay; every day is the best day to really enjoy your spouse, yourself and your marriage. Mix together some introspection, connection, discussion and experimentation and you have a wonderful recipe for a fantastic union.

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