Understanding and Freeing Yourself From Abusive Relationships

You don't really know what you've got in a relationship until you've been with someone for a long time and by then, you've already got used to that wonderful, charming human being that you'd fallen in love with and then things start to go horribly wrong.

If someone is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated, then it's time to stand up for yourself, which often means having to make the decision to let go and set yourself free to be with someone who will offer you the love and respect you deserve. We are all wonderful, unique human beings and deserve nothing less.

It's hard to withdraw when you've already spent a lot of good times with them, fallen for their charms, love and adore them so much; remembering how good things can be and clinging to the hope that things will get better. You're already strongly, emotionally attached to them, yet they have begun to abuse you mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically and financially. You don't want things to end but at the same time they're making you feel worthless, destroying your self confidence and affecting your health.

They have enslaved you, to some extent, attempting to have total control over every aspect of your life. They have alienated you from friends and family in an attempt to restrict your contact with them, but at the same time will feed them with lies about what a horrible, nasty person you are.

You are aware that they're doing this, but still, you're hopeful that you can fix them; that their behavior will stop and you're not giving up on the dream. Meantime, you're losing the respect of everyone around you because you're refusing to free yourself from this situation.

You are left with him/her and it's YOU who needs therapy. That's their ultimate goal.

Sound familiar?

Why do we meet these people? I firmly believe that we meet everyone in this life for a reason and that the most difficult people we meet are our greatest teachers.

If you find yourself in such a relationship, then you definitely have some self esteem issues to work through. Otherwise, why else would you waste time with someone who would belittle you and make you feel unworthy, when there are so many wonderful people out there ready to complement your life - mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually?

I've had to stand by and watch friends be treated very badly by an abuser and sympathize with them, but, there's nothing I can do for them or that we can do for ourselves, until we decide that we've had enough and it's time to help ourselves.

No-one can help you, but you. And only you, in your own good time, can get to the root of the problem and decide that enough is enough.

Take a look at your past and particularly, your childhood. There was someone then that treated you badly in some way, making you feel unworthy. This person has been put in front of you now to re-awaken those feelings and for you to work through them. You don't deserve to be treated like that or made to feel like that by anyone in this life and, until you realize this and stand up for yourself, then you will continue to go in an out of abusive relationships.

If you refuse to pinpoint and deal with those issues now, then you will continue in your relationship, with things becoming progressively worse. Maybe not - maybe something extreme will happen e.g. they end up beating you severely or walking off with their next victim. In either case, you're left on your own again until the next abusive partner comes along. And so the cycle continues.

Many people just go from one abusive relationship to another, without ever fixing the issues that are leading them into those relationships. It is not until we love, respect and stand up for ourselves, that we end this cycle and allow other, loving and respectful human beings to enter our lives.

What about the abuser? What's their problem?

Again, this person has issues, which are deeply rooted in their childhood. They have obviously witnessed and/or experienced some form of abuse in order for them to have picked up this behavior. However, the abusers can be split into two categories:

The first category is your typical 'run of the mill' abusive relationship. There's a cycle, where there's the abuse, then the apologies, then swearing their undying love to their partner, full of promises that they will change and that they will never do it again. And so, the abused partner, more often than not, goes back for more.

That, to a degree, I can understand because the abused partner is always hopeful that they actually will change. I myself believe that everyone on this earth is inherently good and capable of change, but, at the same time, how many apologies are you going to accept?

Unless your partner is showing definite signs of change i.e. progressing therapy, taking accountability and changes in their behavior, then how long are you willing to put up with their behavior before you decide that you are worth so much more?

The second category is the sociopath. Like your 'normal' abuser, they can be so charming externally, but, once you've noticed that your other half is displaying sociopath tendencies, it's time to withdraw as soon as you possibly can. You can't fix them and you can't make them happy. It's impossible! They don't want happiness and when they find it, they will do all they can to systematically destroy it. They are not 'happy' unless they're miserable.

The difference between the two is very easy to spot because, unlike your 'normal' abuser, who will apologize, try to make amends and can show signs of improvement, the sociopath will show nothing but contempt for those who try to understand and help them. They have no conscience, no guilt and therefore absolutely nothing to apologize for. They can sit and look at pictures of the abuse and swear blind that they didn't do that. Alternatively, they will admit to their behavior, but they fail to recognize it as abusive - it was your fault and you deserved to be treated like that. They will tell you that you are the one with the problem and making big issues out of nothing.

There are other tell-tale signs:

They are incapable of commitment. They may have had some long-term relationships, but these are always tumultuous. They often have several short-term marriages behind them, which have quickly ended in divorce because their sociopath tendencies often accelerate after they have married and have someone they feel they can control, but can't.

The sociopath can also be very promiscuous, since they have no remorse and no personal boundaries. Therefore, it's highly likely that they will have several 'lifeboats' floating around so, once you've stood strong and let them know that you will not put up with their behavior, they will already have found their next, vulnerable victim, long before you've slammed the door shut (although they've probably got your head slammed in the door as it's closing!).

Sociopaths are found among those who have killed animals and people without remorse (your typical serial killer); however, it may not always be that extreme.

This person will set out to destroy you - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially - if you let them. Believe me, you can't win this one, so, if you have someone who is abusing you and then denying all knowledge or failing to admit that their behavior is abusive, then it's better to admit defeat, cut your losses and run!

Apparently, it's a mental condition that can also be cured since therapists believe that the condition is caused by a traumatic childhood experience such as abuse or abandonment by a parent. However, in order for that person to be cured, they need to admit that they need help and to undergo extensive, cognitive therapy until they've got to the root of the problem.

Since the sociopath is such a skilled manipulator and liar (some have even been known to pass lie detector tests when it is pathological lying) and, because they don't need help, then it's highly unlikely that they will ever seek help and if they do, they will be able to convince a therapist that they are now fine and no longer require their services.

Problems with the mind are the same as physical problems - everything can be fixed. But, in order for this to happen, your partner has to be willing to undergo therapy and in the case of the sociopath, their only chance of any kind of progress, is if you can first of all get them to admit that their behavior is abusive.

If you're reading this and currently experiencing any type of abusive relationship, then please stand strong. We are all unique and wonderful human beings put on this earth to enjoy life, to love and help one another; to live each day like it's our very last and to be happy. No-one deserves to be treated badly. Every one of us deserves love and respect and should settle for nothing else.

Please recognize the issue in yourself that has attracted this character to you, work through this and then take steps to improve your situation. If your partner can't take accountability and take steps to change, then you have to free yourself as soon as possible.

You may be left in a situation (as is often the case) where he/she has taken all of your finances and you're scared to leave. Believe me, if you can close that door, stand up for yourself as a human being and have faith, then there are agencies out there that can help you. God/the Universe will open doors and provide for you. You and your children especially (if you have any), deserve to have a very happy, peaceful, normal life. They deserve nothing less to give them a good start in life.

Remember, it's not the person you will be missing, but the dream of the life that you thought you would be having together.

It was just that, unfortunately, a dream. Remember, that he/she will never change until they decide that they need help and that they will continue to treat people as they treat you. Whoever they have chosen next is being/will be treated as badly as you were (if not worse) because, without help, their behavior will have accelerated.

But, that dream can easily come true for you when you allow yourself to let go and set yourself free to find someone who will truly love and respect you, and who would never hurt you - in any way.

There's one more, very important, thing to remember though, when you do decide to break free - you look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself:

"I am a wonderful, beautiful person. I deserve nothing but the best in this life and will never allow anyone to treat me like that again".

We don't want to be falling into the same trap next time around now, do we?

If you're reading this and in an abusive relationship of any kind, then please seek help at: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TDD). The hotline has information about shelters, mental heath care, legal advice and other types of assistance.

Treat Yourself to Depression, Anxiety, Or Other Mental Illness Today

Earlier tonight, I was watching some of the vandalism and violence that happened in St. Paul, MN today. I had a sudden revelation: "People are crazy." It's a thought that brought much comfort to me, because I too have been diagnosed with various mental illnesses.

After my revelation, I thought of myself. To people who know me well, I'm regarded as kind, decent, honest, ethical, fair, and generous. I'm speaking in general terms - no one thinks I'm perfect, not even me. There are, however, also a few people who know me and see ugly character traits. Some adjectives and adverbs that have been used against me are: weak, cowardly, lazy, weird, odd, strange, and overly-impulsive.

After thinking of myself, I reached outward and thought of businessmen who cheat and embezzle; I thought of employers who overwork and underpay their employees; I thought of politicians who lie and call their colleagues names in the hopes of winning a contest; I thought of glamorous celebrities who covet money and fame, who forget where the source of their money and fame originated; I thought of corporations and advertisers who deceive consumers to exploit them; I thought of doctors who over-charge and over-prescribe medications to patients -- some patients desperate for help and relief -- with reckless regard for their patients' physical or mental health, and doctors who don't lose sleep because they don't ponder on the consequences of the poor and apathetic treatment they "give" patients.

Of those people I mentioned in the previous paragraph, it's only a small minority who have committed indecent, unethical or immoral acts. The large majority of them are truly good people who genuinely desire to make lives better, or people who conduct their business honorably. But I feel confident to state as fact that almost all of the bad apples from that bushel have never been diagnosed with a mental illness.

If you have a mental illness, maintain your integrity, morals, ethics, and honesty. You'll be much more successful in the end. At some later time, when you stand before God -- or a mirror -- you can be proud that you only have a mental illness. You can be proud that while you may be financially bankrupt, you're not morally bankrupt. If you're depressed and don't have the energy or motivation to make dinner on time, be proud that the food you'll cook later isn't stolen, and that you haven't deprived a poverty-stricken family of a meal. If you're socially inept, be proud that you don't lie, and that you don't attempt to obtain money through deception on the few occasions when you interact with people.

Treat yourself to depression, anxiety, or other mental illness today -- there are many alternatives to mental illness, and there are many people who have chosen to commit acts that violate the rights, health, and lives of other people. Corrupt people have the benefit of exercising free will. In many cases of mental illness, people don't have the luxury of making easy choices in how to function, or their coping skills and daily functioning are impaired to the point where it's impossible to function "normally."

When compared to others who have been diagnosed with a mental illness, I consider myself fortunate. My cognitive skills are quite good, which means that with continued cognitive behavioral therapy, there is hope of my continued improvement over what ails me. I'm fortunate because much of my distorted thinking comes from my early childhood development. In the past, I was exposed to abuse, neglect, abandonment, emotional trauma, and massive instability. All these things shaped my views on life and relationships. Because they occurred while I was still developing, much of my distorted views are deeply ingrained, but they aren't insurmountable obstacles, nor do they define me or place limitations on my potential capabilities.

In my personal experience with psychiatrists, they do nothing -- or next to nothing - to determine if a cause is more biological than situational or environmental. For instance, no doctor has ever ordered any type of brain scan or a sleep study. Perhaps if I had requested them, and if I had the money or good insurance, it would have been done. But until some doctor proves that my "mental illness" is a direct result of my brain operating incorrectly due to biology, I will continue to believe I can outsmart my mental illness. In the meantime though, I'll continue to be a social nitwit, have a crazy sleeping schedule, and be a poor housekeeper.

Whether or not one's mental illness is based on biology or environmental and situational factors, what I've written here is relevant. You have faults. I have faults. Humans all have faults. Make a new rule in your life: if you're talking with someone and you know that a criticism is imminent, tell him that before he points out your faults, he must first submit a list of his own. Jesus had a similar emphatic suggestion, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

I say that's good advice whether you believe in Jesus or not.

And here's another emphatic suggestion from me: don't waste your energy being ashamed of yourself. Focus on all your good qualities instead. Which of your qualities matters more in the grand scheme of the universe: your good ones or your bad? You won't eliminate the guilt and shame overnight, but keep reminding yourself anyway. Gradually, you'll develop an acceptance. You seldom ever just accept something, but over time you can develop an acceptance.

I'll admit my suggestion isn't as succinct or profound as Jesus's, but I'm only human.

See Also: Some turn violent in GOP convention protests

By Andy Alt / Mental Dimensions
http://mentaldimensions.wordpress.com/
Depression and mental health theme, with humor, comedy, farce and rants, combined with occasional doses of sincerity
This article is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 License

Die Young As Late As Possible - Healthful Marriage Means Taking Care of Yourself

San Diego State University psychologist Linda C. Gallo, PhD, tracked the health and happiness of 493 women for 13 years. Using blood tests, Gallo found that women with the luck, skill, or emotional fortitude to have created highly satisfying marriages were simply in better health¹.

We've all heard the scientific evidence, confirmation of our assumptions, and out and out speculation about a connection between a happy marriage and good health.

Mortality rates, for example, are greatly affected by marital status. The mortality rate among single men under 34 is about 2½ times higher than that for young married men. Widowed and divorced men over 80 have a mortality rate one third higher than married men. Single, widowed and divorced older women all have higher mortality rates than their married peers.

One of the biggest factors in our food obsessed, overly sedentary culture is, of course obesity. The prevalence of obesity in America doubled from 15 percent in 1980 to 27 percent in 1999. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 30% of children and two-thirds of adult Americans are overweight, no thanks to poor diet and lack of exercise. Nearly 2 in 3 Americans is overweight, and more than 50% of those are considered obese. This doesn't just have an impact on the health care budget, even though obesity costs us nearly $117 Billion dollars per annum. It also costs us in one of the prevalent outcomes of overweight: divorce. Ask any married couple this question, "would you marry your spouse again if you knew they'd be overweight?". If they're honest they'll say no. Too much body mass causes all manner of health and other problems, not to mention it's just unattractive.

No news there. But let's turn that around for once; is the opposite equally true? Do people who take care of themselves find that their marriages are happier as a result? And is this a self-fulfilling prophecy? Does taking care of ourselves lead to better health, which leads to a happier, more satisfied mate? It would seem so intuitively. It could be that we have it exactly backward; it could be that people who find themselves in a satisfying marriage automatically watch their weight, don't smoke, drink in moderation, buckle up and in general take fewer chances with their physical well being. This could be an unconscious reaction to knowing someone loves us enough to expect nothing less.

Expectations in marriage mean a lot. In my own relationship, for example, it would be an impossibility that one of us would take up smoking. My mate would assume I'd gone 'round the bend; seeing her with a cigarette, I would assume the same. Neither of us drinks very much. We'd no more drive without buckling up than walk into traffic blindfolded. We exercise daily, either walking, biking in the neighborhood, or at a nearby public park. We have an almost daily drill where we compete with each other to do as many sit-ups as we can (she always wins). Our diet is healthier, and, counterintuitively, more satisfying than ever.

Recently, we acquired a copy of a cookbook/earth greening manifesto titled Food Matters: A Guide to Conscious Eating², which contains all manner of recipes, food and agricultural information, planetary impact data and health related observations about what we buy at the grocery, cook in our kitchens, and put in our mouths. Food Matters is now our only cookbook. Hint: we keep beans in the pantry at all times, and, yes, Beano®, too. We just feel it's important to stay slim, healthy, attractive and attentive for each other.

The current health care controversy may revolve around a hidden factor here, that those who initially care enough about their own health gravitate to others like themselves, and overall, impact the health care system less than those who abuse their bodies. Anecdotally, those people are likely involved in unsatisfying marital relationships.

Speaking of expectations, marital bliss doesn't necessarily mean sexual satisfaction, but the two are pretty closely aligned. Here are the stats: According to the American Urological Association, overweight men are more likely to suffer from erectile dysfunction than slimmer correspondents³. Considering how most men feel about sex and their partners, this is likely a reason to stay slim, or slim down after the middle age spread has begun. Research suggests that Americans do in fact gain about ten pounds per decade on average, and we're living longer, so do the math. Most divorces in America, too, have as a factor the loss of sexual attraction in men and women. The bottom line is that to enjoy sex longer, and to keep our mates happy regardless, we need to take better care of ourselves. Here are a few tips on how to do that.

Regular exercise: How many times have we heard that? Set a timer. Every thirty minutes leave the computer, get on the floor, and do as many sit-ups as you can without strain. In no time you'll be proud to say you can do 100 sit ups per day, and your tummy will thank you. Your mate will, too. Take a walk after work. Don't eat dinner till you've exercised at least fifteen minutes. Hold hands while walking; it will increase the enjoyment, and it embarrasses your kids, a good thing.

Eat less, and eat better. The story about beans? It's true; they're the best thing we can eat, full of nutrients, high in protein, low fat, low carb, satisfying, and good if fixed imaginatively, which isn't hard. (See notation #2). Also, why do we keep eating till every scrap and morsel is gone? Is that mom's admonition to clean our plates? The cure for this is ridiculously simple: when you're no longer hungry, stop. The grocery bill will decline, too.

Stop with the snacking & grazing. Research suggests that several smaller meals throughout the day is better for us than the standard three squares. A lot of our food habits, indeed a lot of our weight gain problem is pure habit: We're surrounded by food; we eat by time instead of hunger; we finish everything rather than 'waste' it, which is an interesting choice of words when you think about it. By eating after we're no longer hungry we're effectively 'wasting' food.

Don't nag your mate about their weight. Tough not to, but the habit of mentioning weight gain and unhealthy eating habits creates a spiral toward even more of the same. If weight gain is becoming an issue, look at other factors in the relationship first. Praise is always a slimming agent.

Finally, consider that your mate really does love you enough to want you to stick around a long time. Sure, you're their beneficiary, but that doesn't mean they want to cash in on you right away. Attributed to various sources, the following quote is appropriate. "The idea is to die young as late as possible." For good marital satisfaction, this means taking care of our health, and being considerate enough of our mates to do that for a lifetime.

¹©2009 Rodale press. Writer Deb Dellapena.

²©2009 Mark Bittman.

³© 2003-2009 Bio-Medicine.

(s):
Byron & Mariah Edgington are the creators of Caffection, LLC dba Caffection, a marriage enrichment website. Caffection.com offers happy couples a portal for daily quotes, weekly affirmations, a monthly e-newsletter, exclusive gift items, seasonal and remembrance items, several interactive pages and entry to a newly identified, exclusive club of married best friends.

Got Caffection? Go to http://www.caffection.com, and find out.

Relationship Enhancement - 6 Questions You Should Ask Yourself About Your Relationship

If your relationship isn't all you think it should be, consider what you are doing to shape it, and contribute to its current condition. I'm not pointing a finger of blame; but the simple fact is that you can only think of one thing at a time, and there's only so much time in a day, or days in a lifetime. If you don't think about how you want your relationship to be - it won't be. And, if you spend your time complaining about how your relationship is - that's how it will stay. Here are six-questions you should ask yourself about how you are investing your thoughts and time:

1. What do you spend your time thinking about? Make a list, be honest, and try to estimate how much time you spend on various topics or issues.

2. How much time do you spend thinking about your spouse or partner in a loving, supportive way?

3. How much time do you spend thinking about exactly what you want in life, and in your relationship?

4. How much time do you spend thinking and talking about things with your spouse or partner?

5. How much time do you spend thinking about the same kinds of things your partner thinks about?

6. How much time do you spend thinking about things that make you feel good, or happy?

The majority of people spend their time thinking about work, problems, money, debt, bills, what they're going to eat next, what's on television, or who's doing what to them to ruin their day or life. Most people simply don't spend their time thinking about their relationship in a way that enhances their relationship; rather, they state their views on the obvious and keep experiencing one version or another or the problems and complaints they continue to voice. It doesn't take a brain-surgeon to see that talking about problems doesn't solve them; more than half of the people who get married in the United States end up divorced.

Spend a little time thinking about how you've been investing your time, thoughts, and energy. If you do this with honesty and awareness, with an open heart and mind, you are very likely to notice that your life is a nearly perfect representation of your thoughts. If, for instance, you spend most of your time thinking negatively about "negative" things, you'll probably find that most of your life is negative - and filled with negative things, and more and more things to complain about. Take a moment and think about thinking - think about the thoughts you think. You'll probably realize how powerful and creative those thoughts actually are. Then, direct that powerful attention of yours to focus directly and completely on what you want in life - and how you want your life to be. Then, practice love and gratitude; think about your desires in a loving way - grateful for the fact that they are yours - and keep taking steps in that direction. If you redirect your thoughts, you will redirect your life, health, and even the tone and quality of your relationships.

To download your FREE, Illustrated Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) Manual, go to: http://www.ExploreExpandEvolve.com/free_download/

(It only takes about 10-seconds to get your Free EFT manual and start erasing fears, distractions, phobias, anxiety, stress, resentments, negative self-talk and limiting beliefs that could be holding you back and negatively affecting your life, health, and relationships!)

Pete Koerner is the author of The Belief Formula: The Secret to Unlocking the Power of Prayer. The Belief Formula is a look at how you can use ancient wisdom and modern scientific awareness to learn how to use your mind to reclaim your health and create the life of your dreams.

For a Free Report on Making The Belief Formula Work for You, visit: http://www.TheBeliefFormula.com

Getting Back in Touch With Your Red Flag System - 3 Methods to Protect Yourself in Relationships

Our "red flag" system is a survival mechanism that is designed to protect us from all manner of harm - physical, emotional, and spiritual. Unfortunately, many of us have been conditioned to thwart or ignore our own red flag system in our lives and relationships. If we are in a situation where our instinctual responses toward self preservation are chronically activated, such as when we are in a toxic or emotionally abusive relationship, or in a chaotic and unpredictable relationship affected by addiction in our partner, we may become even less in touch with this mechanism. Here are 3 methods to reinstating your red flag system to protect yourself in your relationships:

1. Take care of your physical body. Your mind and body are linked, and the health of one impacts the health of the other. Eat right, focusing on fresh vegetables and fruits, lean proteins, and whole grains. Avoid overly processed foods and sugars. Try supplements if needed, starting with a food based multivitamin and calcium if you do not consume a lot of calcium rich foods. Take fish oil, which has many benefits including improvement of brain health. If you struggle with the blues, you can try 5 HTP (hydroxytryptophan), which is a natural antidepressant, and L-Theanine if you suffer with anxiety. Start a doctor approved exercise program, focusing whenever possible on cardiovascular exercise for maximum mood elevating benefits.

2. Begin to pay attention to your body's response to stimuli in the environment around you. If someone honks their horn at you, feel the chemical and emotional response this evokes. Start allowing yourself to get very basic and visualize moving toward what gives you a positive response, and away from what makes you feel down, helpless, fearful or frustrated.

3. Apply this exercise to the relationships in your life. Begin to assess who gives you a positive, affirming, pleasant feeling in your body, and who makes you feel agitated, nervous, or gives you a sinking feeling. Begin to practice saying "no" in your mind to people or requests that make you feel badly, and "yes" to people and requests that feel positive. Eventually, your mental response will become action.

Are you interested in addressing your life challenges from a holistic standpoint, assessing the physical, emotional, and relationship components?

For a free copy of my ebook, "Natural Methods To Fight Depression", click here: http://www.stoptoxicrelationships.com/gifts-naturalmethodstofightdepression.html

Shannon Cook is a personal growth and relationship expert who has written a number of informative articles and ebooks on the topic of toxic relationships and holistic personal growth, including physical, emotional and relationship health.

Your Perspective of Your Spouse and Yourself Will Determine the Health of Sex in Your Marriage

You're married, you love each other, and you know sex is an important part in the health of your relationship. So, where do things stand, have you clearly identified what you both want and are you doing what you need to do to have it?

You have heard it before, regardless the truth stays the same...It's all in your head. Examine what's going on in your head to start the process of having the very best.

1. How do you feel about who you are sexually?

Feeling good about your sexual identity is paramount in what will happen in your relationship with your spouse. When you are secure with yourself, your desires, and your body, you are open to what you can give, receive, and experience together. You're too busy being in the moment when you have confidence and security to step into sex halting issues.

However, when you lack certainty about your sexual identity and your perception of yourself in general your thoughts will be preoccupied with low self-esteem, lack of confidence and insecurity, which when mixed with the stressors of life make for a disappointing, and empty sexual relationship.

Ex: When I have been preoccupied with poor body image my desire to be seen naked, as well as sexual interaction with my husband is overridden by my insecurity. My husband and I both lose in this situation and sex is filed away eliminating relationship bonding moments.

2. Are there any existing issues between you and your spouse that are standing in the way of you enjoying each other?

Women and Men (that's right I'm including Men) can be driven by their emotions and when things are not "right" in the relationship each gender can be distracted and led away from being in a frame of mind that precipitates a healthy, rewarding sexual experience.

Ex: When my husband and I have had a heated discussion, and I'm thinking we should have make-up sex he it not receptive and is does not happen.

Trust is a huge component when it comes to "feeling" as though one can be vulnerable with their spouse. Trust can be violated in many ways in marriage leaving someone withdrawn and feeling trapped. That person may desire a sexual relationship with their spouse, but their lack of trust may leave them feeling as though giving into that will be more hurtful to them than going without it.

3. What is going on with you physically that may be hindering who you are sexually?

Knowing what is going on with you physically is just a good idea in general. Since sex is so good for us physically as well as emotionally and psychologically shouldn't we have a solid idea of how our bodies are contributing to enjoyable sex or prohibiting it from happening?

Take note of what medication you are taking and the side effects on your body. I am a firm believer in doing whatever you can holistically to treat your body before you resort to any type of chemical treatment. Having said that, I realize medication is sometimes a necessity. Learn how your medication may be affecting you, and what you may be able to do about the side effects of it. Don't settle.

Also, be aware of how stress, and yes, age may have an impact on changing your hormones and how that affects your libido, emotions, self and relational perception.

Are you exercising regularly, and taking responsibility for your daily diet? A poor diet and sedentary lifestyle will sabotage who you are sexually and will ultimately affect what you and your spouse may be able to enjoy. Making healthy choices together adds so much to your general health, as well as the health and enhancement of your sexual relationship.

4. How do you and your spouse perceive sex in your relationship?

It's a shame that couples can fall into a rut with how they are handling the sexual part of their relationship, which is often times an indicator of how the relationship is in a rut in general. The problem is they may not recognize they have drifted into a lack luster pit with each other that only becomes more of a barrier as time passes unless they see it for what it is and do something about it.

The fact you that you are reading this means you are somewhat interested in making sure your relationship with your spouse is treated with the love and attention is must have to thrive.

Sex means different things to each of us, and it can become a wielded weapon for some in their marriage. Woe to the spouse, and or couple who use sex as a vehicle for position and power in the marriage. When sex is based on a punishment/reward system the marriage is in trouble.

Is sex an outward expression of your love for each other, your desire to please one another, a celebration of your marriage and union? Do you delight in the fruits of your spouse while simultaneously delighting in who you are sexually with them?

5. What things in your life are you allowing to get in the way or to provide an excuse for not having sex?

Yes, we all have busy, hectic lives and the multitude of things we need to get done in a day's time begin to pile up on us leaving us feeling overwhelmed, tired, and desperate for time without any demands or expectations.

Whether it's career, children, extended family, church, etc...That's demanding our time; we all must find balance in our lives in order to have genuine happiness and good health. It does not take long to get out of balance and start having a long list of negative thoughts which lead to negative feelings, and eventually destructive behavior.

When we are out of sorts in the marital relationship and life keeps coming at us regardless it may temporarily seem easier to use "life" as a means of escape from dealing with what is going on with our spouse and marriage. For example, you find yourself or your spouse saying, I'm too tired, I have a headache, I have to take care of the children, or I have to get this work done, etc...And this is more often than not, a strong indication that immediate action needs to occur. Something is out of balance and should be dealt with to protect the relationship and each spouse from going down a negative path that will lead to dysfunction and often hurtful, negative consequences.

6. How do you personally view sex?

Maybe this doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is. The belief system we developed as children can really get in the way when it comes to how we approach, and perceive ourselves and our spouse sexually.

I'm not going to go into all the many ways a faulty perception can sabotage the health of a sexual relationship, but I will say you need to really examine your beliefs. Whether they are spiritually manifested by parents, and or church, or maybe a previous negative experience with a partner, your conscious and sub-conscious beliefs will either propel you forward or constantly sabotage you if not addressed.

Many Christian-marriage books, as well as other well meaning literature regarding sex in marriage refers to the "man's" need for sex in marriage. If one does not use discernment when reading such literature faulty perceptions can be adapted.

If a women thinks that sex in her marriage is primarily about meeting her husband's needs then where is she to be with her own needs, desires, and beliefs about who she is sexually? If a man believes (and in his mind righteously believes) that sex in his marriage is about his wife meeting his sexual needs and nothing else that will probably lead to a one sided relationship that breeds resentment, hurt and frustration. This is merely an example of how distortion in beliefs may lead to problems.

This is in no way meant to disparage the wonderful Christian authors who have written excellent books to educate, and guide couples to healthier, happier marriages.

This is simply meant as a means to start the wheels spinning in your mind as to how you each personally view sex, and recognize any faulty perceptions that are hindering the health of your sexual relationship with your spouse.

This provides a great start to identifying where you and your spouse are sexually in your marriage, who you each are sexually, and what you want. Don't delay; every day is the best day to really enjoy your spouse, yourself and your marriage. Mix together some introspection, connection, discussion and experimentation and you have a wonderful recipe for a fantastic union.

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