Your Perspective of Your Spouse and Yourself Will Determine the Health of Sex in Your Marriage

You're married, you love each other, and you know sex is an important part in the health of your relationship. So, where do things stand, have you clearly identified what you both want and are you doing what you need to do to have it?

You have heard it before, regardless the truth stays the same...It's all in your head. Examine what's going on in your head to start the process of having the very best.

1. How do you feel about who you are sexually?

Feeling good about your sexual identity is paramount in what will happen in your relationship with your spouse. When you are secure with yourself, your desires, and your body, you are open to what you can give, receive, and experience together. You're too busy being in the moment when you have confidence and security to step into sex halting issues.

However, when you lack certainty about your sexual identity and your perception of yourself in general your thoughts will be preoccupied with low self-esteem, lack of confidence and insecurity, which when mixed with the stressors of life make for a disappointing, and empty sexual relationship.

Ex: When I have been preoccupied with poor body image my desire to be seen naked, as well as sexual interaction with my husband is overridden by my insecurity. My husband and I both lose in this situation and sex is filed away eliminating relationship bonding moments.

2. Are there any existing issues between you and your spouse that are standing in the way of you enjoying each other?

Women and Men (that's right I'm including Men) can be driven by their emotions and when things are not "right" in the relationship each gender can be distracted and led away from being in a frame of mind that precipitates a healthy, rewarding sexual experience.

Ex: When my husband and I have had a heated discussion, and I'm thinking we should have make-up sex he it not receptive and is does not happen.

Trust is a huge component when it comes to "feeling" as though one can be vulnerable with their spouse. Trust can be violated in many ways in marriage leaving someone withdrawn and feeling trapped. That person may desire a sexual relationship with their spouse, but their lack of trust may leave them feeling as though giving into that will be more hurtful to them than going without it.

3. What is going on with you physically that may be hindering who you are sexually?

Knowing what is going on with you physically is just a good idea in general. Since sex is so good for us physically as well as emotionally and psychologically shouldn't we have a solid idea of how our bodies are contributing to enjoyable sex or prohibiting it from happening?

Take note of what medication you are taking and the side effects on your body. I am a firm believer in doing whatever you can holistically to treat your body before you resort to any type of chemical treatment. Having said that, I realize medication is sometimes a necessity. Learn how your medication may be affecting you, and what you may be able to do about the side effects of it. Don't settle.

Also, be aware of how stress, and yes, age may have an impact on changing your hormones and how that affects your libido, emotions, self and relational perception.

Are you exercising regularly, and taking responsibility for your daily diet? A poor diet and sedentary lifestyle will sabotage who you are sexually and will ultimately affect what you and your spouse may be able to enjoy. Making healthy choices together adds so much to your general health, as well as the health and enhancement of your sexual relationship.

4. How do you and your spouse perceive sex in your relationship?

It's a shame that couples can fall into a rut with how they are handling the sexual part of their relationship, which is often times an indicator of how the relationship is in a rut in general. The problem is they may not recognize they have drifted into a lack luster pit with each other that only becomes more of a barrier as time passes unless they see it for what it is and do something about it.

The fact you that you are reading this means you are somewhat interested in making sure your relationship with your spouse is treated with the love and attention is must have to thrive.

Sex means different things to each of us, and it can become a wielded weapon for some in their marriage. Woe to the spouse, and or couple who use sex as a vehicle for position and power in the marriage. When sex is based on a punishment/reward system the marriage is in trouble.

Is sex an outward expression of your love for each other, your desire to please one another, a celebration of your marriage and union? Do you delight in the fruits of your spouse while simultaneously delighting in who you are sexually with them?

5. What things in your life are you allowing to get in the way or to provide an excuse for not having sex?

Yes, we all have busy, hectic lives and the multitude of things we need to get done in a day's time begin to pile up on us leaving us feeling overwhelmed, tired, and desperate for time without any demands or expectations.

Whether it's career, children, extended family, church, etc...That's demanding our time; we all must find balance in our lives in order to have genuine happiness and good health. It does not take long to get out of balance and start having a long list of negative thoughts which lead to negative feelings, and eventually destructive behavior.

When we are out of sorts in the marital relationship and life keeps coming at us regardless it may temporarily seem easier to use "life" as a means of escape from dealing with what is going on with our spouse and marriage. For example, you find yourself or your spouse saying, I'm too tired, I have a headache, I have to take care of the children, or I have to get this work done, etc...And this is more often than not, a strong indication that immediate action needs to occur. Something is out of balance and should be dealt with to protect the relationship and each spouse from going down a negative path that will lead to dysfunction and often hurtful, negative consequences.

6. How do you personally view sex?

Maybe this doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is. The belief system we developed as children can really get in the way when it comes to how we approach, and perceive ourselves and our spouse sexually.

I'm not going to go into all the many ways a faulty perception can sabotage the health of a sexual relationship, but I will say you need to really examine your beliefs. Whether they are spiritually manifested by parents, and or church, or maybe a previous negative experience with a partner, your conscious and sub-conscious beliefs will either propel you forward or constantly sabotage you if not addressed.

Many Christian-marriage books, as well as other well meaning literature regarding sex in marriage refers to the "man's" need for sex in marriage. If one does not use discernment when reading such literature faulty perceptions can be adapted.

If a women thinks that sex in her marriage is primarily about meeting her husband's needs then where is she to be with her own needs, desires, and beliefs about who she is sexually? If a man believes (and in his mind righteously believes) that sex in his marriage is about his wife meeting his sexual needs and nothing else that will probably lead to a one sided relationship that breeds resentment, hurt and frustration. This is merely an example of how distortion in beliefs may lead to problems.

This is in no way meant to disparage the wonderful Christian authors who have written excellent books to educate, and guide couples to healthier, happier marriages.

This is simply meant as a means to start the wheels spinning in your mind as to how you each personally view sex, and recognize any faulty perceptions that are hindering the health of your sexual relationship with your spouse.

This provides a great start to identifying where you and your spouse are sexually in your marriage, who you each are sexually, and what you want. Don't delay; every day is the best day to really enjoy your spouse, yourself and your marriage. Mix together some introspection, connection, discussion and experimentation and you have a wonderful recipe for a fantastic union.

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